Fibromyalgia Awareness Day

Swine flu aka hamthrax aka H1N1

Read one of the many articles on the swine flu today to discover that I regularly have 4-5 of the 7 symptoms. Lucky for those around me that fibro isn't contagious.

Laryngitis??

Do you ever feel like you've lost your voice? Not in the my throat is sore kind of way but in the I can't make myself heard, no one cares what I have to say kind of way?

Struggling through this thing called fibromyalgia has not been an easy road for me. With it comes feelings of failure, guilt and often hopelessness. I can't seem to resign myself to this new path of being nearly crippled, often of less than sound mind with a head full of muddled thoughts, lapses in memory, fighting through a cloud of nonsense, frustration with wanting to do things but knowing that the cost is often to high to push through and get it done. I'm a doer, a servant by heart and when I'm unable to do for others I feel utterly useless. I feel like most people just think I'm lazy or a hypochondriac or someone who is not worth the effort of knowing. I've let relationships fall aside because I feel like I have nothing to offer, that these people are better off without this version of me or I simply can no longer handle the drama or stress that can come from trying to maintain certain relationships. Drama gives me stress, stress makes me physically sick which makes me useless to my family which then fills me with despair about my inability to overcome this thing.

Being incapable of doing all that I used to do for people makes me less relevant in their lives. I don't know how to define myself without being able to be the encourager, the helper, the intercessor, the one who holds others up. I've never been one who is good at putting themselves first. I'm a great martyr and have spent my life sacrificing many of my dreams, wants and needs for the good of others. Now if I don't focus on what my body needs first than I have even less to give to my family. If I don't take "me" into consideration than I have nothing for them. There is no amount of pushing myself that can get it done.

I really don't know where to find my voice again. How to be me without the doing?

Ker - works = no value

I am sure of a few things - my salvation, the love of my husband and most of the time the love of my children. That should be enough but it isn't. I miss being heard, I miss being valued and needed, I miss feeling like I was making a difference in my world. I wish I knew how to find my new voice.

No need to comment. I can't figure out how to close the comments on this post or I would do that.

Meatballs

I just finished rolling about 50 meatballs. I made them rather large or I'd still be rolling. I have some pain in my right forearm, elbow shoulder today- fibro related but I have good energy today so I wanted to take advantage of that despite the discomfort. The crew were at my parents for half of spring break and when they returned yesterday they came with meat from my Uncle's farm. The packages of ground beef were huge and someone left 2 out for me to cook dinner with today. (We usually need 2 pkgs. of store bought ground beef for a meal so it was an honest mistake). Now I will be able to freeze several batches of meatballs for future meals.... yeah!

I've never followed a recipe when making meatloaf or ground beef and just kind of throw together what suits my fancy that day or what I have on hand. Today's batch consisted of onion soup mix, worcestershire, dijon, chopped garlic, a dollop of good horseradish, some seasoning, a couple of eggs and leftover basmati rice for binding.

Do you follow a recipe or throw it all together? Care to share your favorite combination? What kind of sauce do you like your meatballs in?

Suck it up Buttercup

If you read my other blog you will know that I've been having a rough time of it with my fibro. I've been in a flare since Sunday and prior to that I was not feeling much better. This week I had a few appointments so I was in the neighboring city and decided to do something I never thought I'd have to do. I picked up a prepared meal from a new business that was en route to one of my appointments. I thought it was worth a shot to try to feed my family something healthy and "homemade" which didn't require much effort on my part. It turned out to be a tasty meal. I think when I'm feeling better that I will suck it up and go to My Sister's Kitchen to make some meals for the freezer. I have to throw the Martha thing out the window and just do what I can to get through the rough patches. It's better than feeding my family KD or perogies every time I feel awful, right?

Taking a break from the Hutch

Not feeling well. Can't write coherently. Only the Sultan Flokenes people will miss me. heh
See you when I find my brain again.

another blog

I'm contemplating starting another blog about my torment. I don't think everyone (my vast readership lol) wants to read about my ups and downs during the process (it often feels like I'm whining) so I do not post about them here as much as I would like to. I feel like I need a place to put a lot of it as well as a way to track my days... good and bad, how my body responds to different treatments, etc. Honestly, sometimes I need to just bitch and moan about it. I've tried a few groups for fibro/chronic pain but everyone is to involved dealing with their own issues that there isn't a lot of activity. What you get is no response to your own issues and are left with a bunch of whining posts with little to no encouragement in return. So maybe having my own diary of my struggles and victories is better than being a part of some of the groups? What do you think, should I put my journey through Fibro'myhell'gia somewhere else or keep it here?

sorry for the missing words, I'm having a foggy day and the drugs don't help any. I think I caught them all but I'm hoping you can read between the lines heh

Love is Patient...

1 Corinthians 13
Love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I saw this in a local store and knew it was something I needed to have for our home. Sure it's an unusual bit of wall decor but it is also a constant reminder of what we need to walk out in our lives. My Hero surprised me with it for Christmas and I just love it! (I need some help with how to decorate the sofa table underneath it with but that's another post).

I've had a rough week- emotionally, spiritually and physically. I don't know if it's the shock of the loss of my friend, my grief for her children and husband or the cold weather or a combination of it all but I've been in really bad shape this week. Insomnia, lots of pain and an unsettled heart. Through it all the Hero has been very busy with work which has included meetings every night this week. I miss him and I count on him so much when my body is failing me. I am thankful for his understanding when I get like this. He truly shows me patience and unfailing love. I appreciate him so very much and my love for him grows daily.

With the absence of my Hero I've had much time for reflection and to seek HIM. It is truly something I have been trying to focus on more often. I've learned that in order for me to be healed that my body needs to be whole and that goes so far beyond the physical (funny how the lessons of a TCM doctor and acupuncturist can draw me closer to God, He truly can work in the most mysterious of ways). He has really been speaking to my heart and showing me some things I need to deal with that I thought were long over with. I don't know that I'm prepared to share it here at the moment but maybe when I'm more settled with these revelations in my own spirit.

Sleep... where r u??

I'm getting so tired of this insomnia kick I seem to be on of late. Tired... insomnia... late.....get it..... heh.... I told you I needed to sleep. I forgot to mention that Dr. X gave me some numbers to say randomly, when I get the urge... he said they would help when I can't sleep. I didn't really get it and forgot all about it until I was tossing and turning upstairs a few moments ago. So what numbers popped into my head??? 8675309......if you are old like me those numbers might trigger a memory for you. If you are young than fuhgettaboutit. lol Now I am not only battling insomnia but I have an earworm of Jenny rattling around in my head.



You are very welcome because I know you have that stuck in your head now too. :P

With a Heavy Heart....

I've not been able to muster up a blog post that doesn't seem pointless or trivial. I was working on a word for 2009 but that isn't coming to pass. I've had a setback in my torment and after such an energetic and relatively pain free December it has hit me hard. I'm impatient and frustrated and was totally feeling sorry for myself.

Was.... until I received news that a dear friend who we thought had won the victory in her battle with breast cancer is now fighting for her life with cancer spread to her bone marrow. I'm devastated at this news and was struggling to remain hopeful so that I can pray for her miracle. I thought I came up to the other side from devastation to hope but today after reading her DH's report it totally crushed my spirit. They have resigned themselves to the fact that this will take her life and are hoping for the chemo to prolong it for awhile. It was as if the hope was sucked out of my sails this morning and I've been struggling all day with the weight of this news.

I am not walking in their shoes and I cannot begin to imagine the rollercoaster of emotions this news has brought upon this dear family. I am completely useless to them in a practical way because they live in another country. All I can do is pray for her healing to come in God's timing and in His way. I must pray for her family and all those that love her, for their hearts to be prepared for what may be. I struggle between thinking that hope is lost and believing that she will be one that recieves a miracle. That this horrible journey will be a testimony for His Glory.

I can also honor what my friendship with this dear woman has done for me by not being frustrated with my own "torment" (seems like such a dramatic word to use for what I deal with compared to something that could take her life). I can have courage to push through the rough days, to make use of the sleepless nights in some constructive way, to hold tight to my blessed life and not sweat the small stuff. I can honor all that she has taught me by her remarkable strength and warrior spirit by living my life the best way I can.

I love you dear friend and I am believing that you will get your miracle. May your time with your family be of great blessing and somehow full of joy in the midst of this horrible trial.

Catch up

I'm in an upswing healthwise and with that comes playing catch up with my neglected house and jumping back into my family's busy life.  This past weekend we rearranged our living room, which involved shopping, building furniture (same piece twice- don't ask ;)), moving furniture, repurposing old furniture and making space for that repurpose required more cleaning.  Throw in a 4 day weekend, homework, cooking for Thanksgiving and you have a busy family.  We are pleased with our new set up and enjoyed our time together despite the busyness.

My RMT is still out and I've been seeing someone else in the wellness centre- it's a bit of a co-op situation with all of them having different takes on the way they offer healing to you.  I find myself doing spiritual battle with the lady I'm seeing now and I'm not finding the same level of healing through her hands. I look forward to having my therapist with her healing touch back soon.  I've been given a referral for a naturopathic doctor who has had some success with fibro.  As soon as I can figure out the Hero's schedule I will set up an appointment.

Iceman is having some challenges at school.  I met with his teachers last week.  I am pleased that they are on top of things early on and I hope that we can find a way to make this year a successful one for him.  He has some concentration issues, gets frustrated because everything is "so hard" and well... he is Iceman.    I'm proud of myself.  While I went right to beating myself up when I first got the meeting request I didn't let that consume me and am moving forward to do what I can to help Iceman succeed in school.

Kodiak and I are heading to Europe in 2010.  He is very excited about it and I figure it will be a great opportunity for both of us. I hope he's as enthusiastic about having his Mom tag along in 2 years.  He is already asking what kind of food they have in each country, what languages he should study, where can we find info about where we are going etc.  We will be visiting London, Paris and Barcelona.

La Diva has been having some girl drama in her life.  It really frustrates me and I hate to see her have to deal with this crap already.  She is a really compassionate child (and I'm not just saying that because she is my daughter) and hates to see people treating others badly.  Unfortunately that has made her a target and it is even coming from one she had considered her BFF.  I've done what I can and even had a meeting with the mom of her BFF.  Unfortunately it did little to ease my mind but gave me insight into this girls true character.  I don't have a problem with the family at all, in fact one of Kodiak's best buds is cousin and lives with them, however, our views on rearing children differ.  She thinks they need to learn that you won't be friend with people forever and I think that they are still children and need guidance in how to treat people you call BFF.  She basically said that if BFF can't see that La Diva is a good friend than maybe she needs to let her be on her own or with others so she can realize just how good she had it with La Diva.   I just hate seeing La Diva hurt and be a doormat for this kind of junk.  I'm trying to teach her that it's ok to be upset and to tell her friends when they hurt her, that she doesn't have to hold it all in and that she can, in a respectful way, express her feelings about how she is being treated.  She is used to everyone loving her and keeping the peace with all the drama queens.  *sigh*  We aren't even in Jr. High yet.  My heart hurts that she is enduring this already.

Turtle is loving school so much.  He is beyond thrilled that a classmate moved next door.  It's been such fun to watch him blossom from this shy little barnacle to a charasmatic leader.  He loves his teacher and is learning so much.

The Hero is in full swing of his super busy season.  Next week we lose him for the majority of the week to trips.  He is doing amazing and is finally getting some recognition from his company... looks like he'll be moving up the ladder again.  I'm so very proud of him.  He's becoming a bit of a "celebrity" in the industry as well. lol

The Hero's cousin was the first guy to be eliminated from SYTYCD-Canada last week.  I felt so badly for him, he was visibly shocked. I thought he did an amazing solo.  I did have a sinking feeling he might be ousted by default because I figured they'd keep the ballroom guy and knew Blake loved Dario. I am sure that Kevin will be richer for the experience and I am confident that he has great things in his future.  You can check out his journey here.

Hanging by a thread

I've not been well.  My body is failing me in a big way.  My RMT with the healing hands is on medical leave for at least 2 weeks.  This was a blow that I am having a hard time coming to grips with.  I didn't realize how much I've counted on the relief she has given me to carry on.  I'm able to see someone else later this week but I'm worried about it for a variety of reasons.  I'm exhausted. I'm grumpy. I'm done.  I hesitate to even write this because there are people that read that don't know me or don't give a crap about me.  I just don't care anymore.  They can think what they like. This is my place.  I'm having a hard time.  I hurt.  So if I'm MIA from here or online or real life it's because I have nothing for anyone right now.  I can barely keep it together for me.

The Princess and the Pea

Another rough night of sleeping that even lead to complaints from the Hero this morning about my restlessness and "moaning". *sigh* Usually my "moaning" is not so displeasing to the Hero ;). I could feel every wrinkle on the sheets, seam on my clothing, etc. I'm going onto over 2 weeks of suffering. I'm getting worn down. I'm really frustrated. My doctor is still on mat leave and I'm too stubborn to go back to see the other jack.... er... doctor in the clinic. My massage therapy has been helping but we have a lot of pain layers to work through. I go today and hope that I will have some relief. I'm also supposed to go to PT, according to the jack...er.... other doctor. I don't trust him and have yet to hear really positive things about PT with regards to my torment so I haven't made an appointment. If my other doctor gave me the script I'd be more inclined to trust her judgement and go. Maybe I'm just causing myself more torment but even my RMT said that unless you get a PT experienced in your pain condition they can push you too hard and then you are left suffering. She said you may have to gently remind them that it didn't take a day to get to this point and it won't be healed in a day. My not so forceful personality would just suffer through it and end up in a mess.

I'm finding that the changes in weather are really a trigger for me. I don't know if this is common but it sure seems to affect my body in drastic ways. I also have SAD so maybe this is why it slams me so hard. I've been doing plenty of research and recently read that fibro seems to affect more areas of your life than any other chronic pain condition. *sigh* I guess that makes me feel less like I'm failing and more that it's something beyond my control. It is hard to push through some days. My body is so exhausted. I'm trusting that I will learn something through this journey but I'm not liking it. I turn 40 this week and am feeling like 90 some days.

One may go a long way after one is tired. ~French Proverb

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Psalm 139:14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. (NKJV)

Our bodies are such an incredible creation. As I journey on my path to healing from my torment I am continually amazed at God's creation. I had massage therapy again today and to witness how everything within me is so connected. I can see how holding tension in one area translates to pain in another, how releasing that tension can bring healing to many parts and how our thoughts play such a huge part in our health and healing. I'm blessed to have a massage therapist who is in tune with the Holy Spirit and follows that direction to give healing to my body. I'm learning so much through this process and I'm seeing great results. Praising through the pain and thanking God for the lessons along the journey.

I need more spoons!!!

I should have known better than to get so hopeful, to think that I may have found a way to manage this crap. I should of known that my spoon supply was not endless. I was feeling so good, life seemed normal for awhile.... I felt normal for awhile. Now wham... I feel like I'm back at the starting line again. I hurt, I hurt so bad I can't sleep. I'm tired. I'm grouchy from trying to push through the pain. I want answers and my doctor is on maternity leave and her partner in the clinic, who happens to be her DH, was a complete a$$ when I went for my last results. He wanted to prescribe some anti-d (you would love all the horrendous side effects of the one he mentioned especially considering my great med tolerance and past experiences). He also suggested I get a personal trainer do some hard core weight training and aerobics, that I would need to simply push through the pain. Um yeah... let me kick you in the junk and watch you push through the pain and then we'll talk. When the aerobics in my bedroom can put me down for days I don't think that a personal trainer is going to help me in my current state. I managed to get a script for massage therapy and physiotherapy from him. I'm just frustrated. I had finally found a doctor who didn't look at me like I was some pill seeker, crackpot with an imaginary ailment... how dare she have a baby now... I'm only kidding, I'm happy for her she's a lovely woman, but man.... I'm frustrated.

I'm tired of trying to see my lesson in this, to find that rainbow, to keep positive, to explain to my family why I'm not feeling well.... yet again. I think 2 of my triggers are stress and weather. We've had some drama in this insane little town and the weather has been wild. Not sure how to avoid weather but I can learn to not get so worked up about things that I have no control over. I have to learn how to care about stuff without allowing it to hurt me in a way that affects my health.

Meantime... I need more spoons!!!!

Take that Fred Flinstone!

I have ugly feet, so ugly that the Hero dubbed them Fred Flintstone feet many years ago. Fat, wide, square toes, not loverly at all but I hate socks! So I love summer because it frees me from socks and I can go barefoot most anywhere. Due to the ugliness of my feet they need some help to be acceptable to the general public. After a long, hard winter of neglect they are in sad shape. I've been too scared to get a professional pedi because of my torment. I'm worried it will cause me too much pain and I will suffer through because they aren't cheap. I usually take the plane to my nasty heels but even the thought of that has made me cringe in fear this year. I've heard some good things about the Ped Egg and when I finally spotted one in a store I decided to give it a go. This thing really works and doesn't cause me pain. I'm frankly very shocked because anything with the "as seen on TV" label on it has the alarm bells ringing for a skeptic like me. It is easy to use, easy to clean and doesn't cause me any pain.

Hey Strangers...

Sorry for disappearing from the blogosphere and life in general for the last little while. I've not been feeling well at all and suffering from some major brain fog on top of it. I've resorted to some OTC muscle relaxants which turn me into Lucy in the Sky with diamonds. While my ramblings on that trip may have been very amusing I decided it was best if I spared my family and myself of any potential humiliation. I could have whined and moaned about my pain but I had recently written those Eeyore posts and that would have bit me in the butt big time. I've finally had 2 not so bad days and am down from the cloud for now.

I went to see a new doctor this week and will get some bloodwork done in the next while and then we will go from there to get our official diagnosis. She was a great listener and didn't make me feel like an insane hypochondriac like the last doctor did. She was respectful of my tendency to go alternative therapy before medicine. She took lots of notes and kept the notes I brought along. I left feeling that I'd been heard in regards to my torment. She was a bit hung up on my insomnia and had concerns of sleep apnea. The thought of a sleep study somewhere horrified me enough to hit the health food store in search of some Calme Forte (that many have recommended). They only had the kids version and I was not up for dissolving 20 pills under my tongue to get an adult dose. The lady kindly sent me to a little pharmacy that was known to be stocking lots of homeopathic stuff. The pharmacist/owner was incredibly helpful and even called me at home afterwards because she had forgotten to mention something. I've had 2 decent nights sleep taking this magic little pill called neurexan.

Mother Nature is a cruel friend

An optimist is the human personification of spring. ~Susan J. Bissonette

I'm tring to maintain a positive attitude, really I am. I just wrote all about Eeyore afterall but I'm really being challenged this week trying to find my eternal optimist. I'm struggling physically in huge ways and the weather has taken an ugly turn. Last weekend we basked in the warmth of spring on our freshly cleaned front porch. It felt so good to retrieve the patio furniture from under tarps that were once covered in snow. It was lovely to sit there in the warm sun and plan our garden for this year. To hear birds chirping and kids playing. Even the annoying revs of the street and dirt bikes in the distance did little to dampen my spirit. Yet a mere week later we are again under the white blanket of winter that threatens to suffocate me with it's gloomy grey sky and bitter cold. Where are you spring? Will you ever stay? Will I ever see green again? The cruel winter mocks me and my poor seedlings on th window sill.

Eeyore Syndrome - Part 2

Do you live in the past? Beating yourself up over wrong choices, things that happened to you, hurts and disappointments of days gone by consuming your thought life now?? But you don't know what I've been through, you don't know my pain, you have no idea how many times I've messed up....that rationale keeps you bound up. You're right I don't know your history. What I do know is that is your past and you can chose to live in that and let it define your present and future or you can chose to do what you need to in order to have victory over that and rewrite the rest of your story.

Take inventory of your life. What things bring you joy? What things cause you stress? What can you do to relieve those stresses right now? Are there things or people that cause nothing but drama in your life? Is having them in your life keeping you from being the best person you can be, is it stealing your joy, is it making your personal relationships with those closest to you more difficult? Are those relationships worth maintaining? Some friendships are only for a season with good reason. Sometimes purging the toxins from our lives is necessary to our emotional and physical well being. Depressed and/or angry people are generally not healthy people.

We have two choices: continue to blame the world for our stress or take responsibility for own reactions and deliberately change our emotional climate. ~ Doc Childre and Howard Martin

Our lives should be full of love and laughter. Our joy should overflow. There are so many people in this world that have far less than we do and suffer greatly just to live a difficult life. We have every opportunity available to us yet we loll around in our misery and dream of the things that will make our life happier. Things don't improve your life people!! Stuff is not eternal. Loving, appreciating and spending time with your spouse, soul mate, children, family- blood related or chosen, that's eternal. Being mindful of the humanity around you and doing what you can to help those less fortunate be it food bank donations, hands on volunteering or simply seeing a need in your own circle of influence and doing what you can to fill it. Those kinds of actions, no matter how small, cause a ripple that can last longer than you. People always remember an act of love and kindness. The won't remember what kind of house you lived in or what car you drove or if your clothes had a label on them.

Too often we under estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

~ Leo Buscaglia

It's impossible for life to always be sunshine and rainbows. When life throws a cloud over the rainbow we have a choice to let it get the better of us, to crumple in defeat or to press through and come out the other side of it stronger and wiser for the experience. We can let our difficulties own us or we can own them. We can let that circumstance or event define the rest of our life, that definition depends on how we chose to handle it. I'm not saying it's not human to feel like crap, to feel hopeless and defeated, to get angry, to even desire vengence but we have the choice as to how we will deal with these feelings and how they will impact our life. Our choice not only affects us but those near and dear to us. My choice to harbor unforgiveness or be defeated will be an example I give to my children. They will learn how to deal with their own challenges by how they have seen their parents react or deal with them.

How you choose to respond each moment to the movie of life determines how you see the next frame, and the next, and eventually how you feel when the movie ends.~ Doc Childre

Need help forming a plan of action or dealing with some more specific issues... stay tuned.

Eeyore Syndrome- Part 1

I spend the first part of my morning sitting in front of a little blue light for 30 minutes. It's the magic sunshine that has made this winter one of more hope filled days than those crawl back in bed and hide under the covers til spring comes kind of days. I'm very thankful for this light and it's calming blue waves. I check my email, read my devotion, read my blogroll, peruse the news and pop into a couple of forums I visit while I bask in the blue glow. Why do I share this with you? So you know that I understand the battle of depression. I suffered from horrible post partum depression which went undiagnosed until I had a total breakdown after Turtle was born. I was on anti-depressants for many years and rode the doom and gloom train for much longer than I care to admit. I did much of this alone while the Hero was away working and trying to do whatever he could to make a better life for our family. I did it without any real life support. I was blessed to find love and support from an amazing group of inmates/imaginary friends who became the sisters of my heart. I also discovered that I suffered from SAD (seasonal depression) which is the reason for the blue light.

Through all my days of doom and gloom I was always able to pull it together and offer hope to others, to find bright spots to pull me through, to be still and know that God had not forgotten me, was not punishing me, was right there with me. I became quite the intercessor during those days. For me to lift up the needs of others helped me to find hope in my own situation, to realize that the grass isn't always greener, to seek joy despite my circumstances.

I somehow made little goals for myself and plans to get me through the bad days. I did my best to take action and not wallow in the pit of gloom that was overtaking my life at the time. I found that taking the focus off of the cards that had been dealt to me and loving on other people gave me purpose and the ability to move forward. I had to fight to get well for my children (remember I was sole caregiver for them for much of the time with the Hero gone 15+days and then home for 5), for my Hero (I'd crash into a heap of mush on those 5 days home and he was frustrated that he couldn't fix me) but mostly I had to get well for me. I was not living the life I deserved and I had to take action to get to that place. Only I could get the healing I needed because I am in control of the choices I make.

Now I have control over my illness, can recognize what sends me into the pit and takes steps to prevent it. Life is blessed. Not all my days are mountain top ones but the ones in the pit are few and far between. I usually slap myself upside the head in a big way and have a Thankful Thursday, count my blessings and take a my life doesn't suck because inventory. Through it all I've become good at recognizing people who are in pit, those that walk around with Eeyore syndrome. The cloud of doom is forever over their heads, they walk with the weight of the entire world upon them, their eyes don't sparkle and it becomes draining to be around them. They suck the joy out of every situation with their negativity and reactions to their situations. They see the green grass on the other side but they don't see all the water, fertilizer and tender care it took to grow that grass that they covet. They say things like "when such and such happens I'll have time to... or my life will have less stress.. or I'll be happy" . The truth be told they won't be happy. They won't be happy until they get to the place of being content with the now, learn to forgive themselves and let go of past mistakes and stop looking for an imaginary future of money trees, vacations, perfect children, adoring spouses, jobs they love or whatever they think is the magic pill of happiness. They will still be miserable and the cloud will still be hanging over them even if they are standing on that green grass they longed for. We can change our circumstances as much as we want but those circumstances will not change us. That change comes from within. Can you find that change within you? Don't know where to start? Stay tuned for more on Eeyore.

Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality.

~Nikos Kazantzakis