Struggling through this thing called fibromyalgia has not been an easy road for me. With it comes feelings of failure, guilt and often hopelessness. I can't seem to resign myself to this new path of being nearly crippled, often of less than sound mind with a head full of muddled thoughts, lapses in memory, fighting through a cloud of nonsense, frustration with wanting to do things but knowing that the cost is often to high to push through and get it done. I'm a doer, a servant by heart and when I'm unable to do for others I feel utterly useless. I feel like most people just think I'm lazy or a hypochondriac or someone who is not worth the effort of knowing. I've let relationships fall aside because I feel like I have nothing to offer, that these people are better off without this version of me or I simply can no longer handle the drama or stress that can come from trying to maintain certain relationships. Drama gives me stress, stress makes me physically sick which makes me useless to my family which then fills me with despair about my inability to overcome this thing.
Being incapable of doing all that I used to do for people makes me less relevant in their lives. I don't know how to define myself without being able to be the encourager, the helper, the intercessor, the one who holds others up. I've never been one who is good at putting themselves first. I'm a great martyr and have spent my life sacrificing many of my dreams, wants and needs for the good of others. Now if I don't focus on what my body needs first than I have even less to give to my family. If I don't take "me" into consideration than I have nothing for them. There is no amount of pushing myself that can get it done.
I really don't know where to find my voice again. How to be me without the doing?
Ker - works = no value
I am sure of a few things - my salvation, the love of my husband and most of the time the love of my children. That should be enough but it isn't. I miss being heard, I miss being valued and needed, I miss feeling like I was making a difference in my world. I wish I knew how to find my new voice.
No need to comment. I can't figure out how to close the comments on this post or I would do that.