Pining for spring

I've been having issues with my hands lately which is why I haven't posted much on either blog. Typing hurts and some days so does using the touch pad. I'm desperate for better weather and while we had a tease of it on Monday/Tuesday, today I woke to a skiff of snow on the lawn. I started some seedlings and have a few sprouts of lettuce and basil so far. My morning glory seeds have exceeded the height of the dome on the seed tray and will need to be transferred to a larger pot soon. We are going to build a raised garden bed this spring so I'm looking forward to that. I've been spending some time surfing the net and thought I'd share some of the latest sites I'm enjoying.

I've been enjoying the following gardening blogs:

My Square Foot Garden

Life on the Balcony

Alberta Home Gardening

Also some interesting reading for my conservative friends (my liberal friends may not be appreciative of them):

Mother of All Conservatives

Human Life Matters and Mark Pickup ( interesting aside~ I went to the jr. high school named after his father and his mom was my music teacher for a time. She was also a dear friend of my parents and I have a piece of Mark's artwork hanging in my living room that was our wedding gift from her)

I've also been enjoying my friend Crafty's new cooking blog "Crafty's Cafe" from which I also discovered Mennonite Girls Can Cook.

He is Risen

He Chose the Nails

Laryngitis??

Do you ever feel like you've lost your voice? Not in the my throat is sore kind of way but in the I can't make myself heard, no one cares what I have to say kind of way?

Struggling through this thing called fibromyalgia has not been an easy road for me. With it comes feelings of failure, guilt and often hopelessness. I can't seem to resign myself to this new path of being nearly crippled, often of less than sound mind with a head full of muddled thoughts, lapses in memory, fighting through a cloud of nonsense, frustration with wanting to do things but knowing that the cost is often to high to push through and get it done. I'm a doer, a servant by heart and when I'm unable to do for others I feel utterly useless. I feel like most people just think I'm lazy or a hypochondriac or someone who is not worth the effort of knowing. I've let relationships fall aside because I feel like I have nothing to offer, that these people are better off without this version of me or I simply can no longer handle the drama or stress that can come from trying to maintain certain relationships. Drama gives me stress, stress makes me physically sick which makes me useless to my family which then fills me with despair about my inability to overcome this thing.

Being incapable of doing all that I used to do for people makes me less relevant in their lives. I don't know how to define myself without being able to be the encourager, the helper, the intercessor, the one who holds others up. I've never been one who is good at putting themselves first. I'm a great martyr and have spent my life sacrificing many of my dreams, wants and needs for the good of others. Now if I don't focus on what my body needs first than I have even less to give to my family. If I don't take "me" into consideration than I have nothing for them. There is no amount of pushing myself that can get it done.

I really don't know where to find my voice again. How to be me without the doing?

Ker - works = no value

I am sure of a few things - my salvation, the love of my husband and most of the time the love of my children. That should be enough but it isn't. I miss being heard, I miss being valued and needed, I miss feeling like I was making a difference in my world. I wish I knew how to find my new voice.

No need to comment. I can't figure out how to close the comments on this post or I would do that.

Love is Patient...

1 Corinthians 13
Love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I saw this in a local store and knew it was something I needed to have for our home. Sure it's an unusual bit of wall decor but it is also a constant reminder of what we need to walk out in our lives. My Hero surprised me with it for Christmas and I just love it! (I need some help with how to decorate the sofa table underneath it with but that's another post).

I've had a rough week- emotionally, spiritually and physically. I don't know if it's the shock of the loss of my friend, my grief for her children and husband or the cold weather or a combination of it all but I've been in really bad shape this week. Insomnia, lots of pain and an unsettled heart. Through it all the Hero has been very busy with work which has included meetings every night this week. I miss him and I count on him so much when my body is failing me. I am thankful for his understanding when I get like this. He truly shows me patience and unfailing love. I appreciate him so very much and my love for him grows daily.

With the absence of my Hero I've had much time for reflection and to seek HIM. It is truly something I have been trying to focus on more often. I've learned that in order for me to be healed that my body needs to be whole and that goes so far beyond the physical (funny how the lessons of a TCM doctor and acupuncturist can draw me closer to God, He truly can work in the most mysterious of ways). He has really been speaking to my heart and showing me some things I need to deal with that I thought were long over with. I don't know that I'm prepared to share it here at the moment but maybe when I'm more settled with these revelations in my own spirit.

How do I Honor you?

Tears are flowing freely in cyberspace and people are sharing who you were to them. There are declarations and plans to do something about this awful disease... some will follow through but many more will forget about it or make excuses when the time comes to walk or run, shave their head or gather pledges. The cards will be sent, the pink ribbons will fade, the avatars will disappear and the emotions of today will be forgotten by so many in the imaginary world that was so blessed by your presence.

How do I honor you? How do I make all that I learned from our friendship something that is everlasting?

• I hold dear to those that I love. I hug them, I fight for them, I give them all of me. They stay my first priority.
• I stand strong in my faith no matter what storm comes into my life. I gird myself with the promises that God has given us in His word so that I may stand firm and be a warrior like you.
• I pray without ceasing and with great faith. I accept the answers to my prayers as His best for my life even when I don't understand them.
• I look for the sunshine in each and every day. I fight hard to find joy in the midst of my darkest days.
• I do not wallow in the trivial things of life. I make a choice to find answers and comfort in Him rather than pin my hopes on the things and people of this world.
  
• I recognize that my journey is not my neighbors journey. I rejoice in the blessings of others and I do not mourn what I do not have. I find the value in my own blessings and show gratitude for every moment I have been given.
• I cherish those that touch my life but I do not let their worries overtake me.
• Even in my weakest moments I can show strength and grace, often unknown to me but it comes through because it is part of my character. You did this dear friend even when you were convinced that your whole world was unraveling around you and you could not overcome the fear that gripped your heart. When your head was telling you one thing, your heart was showing you as the warrior you were.
  
• You said you wanted to show others God through this and you did that my friend by just being who you were. I pray that I can show others God through my life too.
• I keep your dear husband and precious children close in heart and always in prayer.
• God's voice thunders in marvelous ways;He does great things beyond our understanding. Job 37:5 This verse will be written upon my heart as one that you held tight to in battle.

I pray that I can walk my journey carrying all the wonderful things that came from our friendship. I pray that I will honor your beautiful life and the pieces that you gave to me by walking out all the things you poured into me. I am thankful that we will meet again one day.

Goodbye my Sweet Friend

I lost a friend today. I was never able to hug her or hold her hand, I've only seen pictures of her beautiful face and rarely heard her voice. We met years ago thanks to the internetz. Our love of God and being parents were the common threads that brought us to our meeting place. Our hearts were drawn to each other through circumstances of life... trials I had walked through that were similar to things she was experiencing in her own life and then things we walked through together. We laughed and cried together in our virtual world. We prayed for each other, encouraged one another, learned from one another. As much as the many miles seperated us she was an important part of my life.

Last spring she heard those horrible words "breast cancer" and my heart broke in a million peices that she would have to walk that road. ReNee was such a valiant fighter through it and late last year we were sure that she had the victory over it. But cancer had another plan and invaded other parts of her body in the last weeks of 2008. It was hard to read how it drained her of her strength. It was a call to battle for so many that loved her and we went to our knees petitioning God for her miracle. We saw victory in small gains and we knew she was fighting despite her weakened state. We had hope that this battle would be won in our way, that she would be healed and have an amazing testimony to share. But our ways are not His and He decided to take her home this morning. It's hard to process a loss like this. It's hard to understand why such a woman of faith, such a fighter, a mother of young children, a wife of a good man, and a dear, sweet friend would have to leave us.

She taught me so much through her strength and faith in the midst of her battle. She was a warrior and her grace in the face of this monster was so inspiring to me. From her I gained a whole new perspective on my own torment. I was spurred to fight for my healing rather than lay down and accept the diagnosis I had been given. I stopped mourning what once was and chose to create the best life I could out of the here and now. I chose to shed some bad habits, stop picking up the problems of the world that sent me spiralling into a pit of despair and made my heart and body sick, to value the important things and be free of the time wasters, to lose the drama, to love more purely, to hold onto my treasures more tightly, to do the work..... and so much more. ReNee's battle with this awful cancer changed my life for the better. I hate that she had to suffer one moment of pain. I hate that she ever had this diagnosis. I hate that her family is left hurting so deeply right now. I hate that she is gone from this earth too soon. In the midst of all that I hate about this disease, what it did to her and the hole that is left by her death I am so thankful that she was brought into my life and that she was my friend.

My heart hurts, my tears are many..... I will miss you dear friend.

John 14 1"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4You know the way to the place where I am going."

A New Day........

The news is filled with words about hope and renewal with the upcoming great moment in history. It's exciting to witness what many merely dreamed would come to pass. I don't want to take away from what this means but it gives me pause when I see how much is being laid upon the shoulders of this man. It is impossible for him to live up to the hopes and expectations that so many have placed on him in these turbulent times. It's just too much and he will surely disappoint many that are believing that he will be 'the one' who makes all the difference. There is already "One" in whom we should put our hope and our expectations. While he is not my President, I'm not an American, I will be praying for him, his family and for all those that have so much expectation and hope resting on the shoulders of a man.

For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord,

'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,'

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV


Behold, I will do a new thing.

Isaiah 43:19 NKJV


'The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.'

Psalm 126:3 NIV


'May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace....'

Romans 15:13 NIV


'...I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.'

John 10:10


'...Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man,

the things which God hath prepared for them that love Him.'

I Corinthians 2:9 KJV


'...The Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.'

Isaiah 60:19 NIV


'Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?

I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.'

Isaiah 43:19 KJV


'Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ:

In His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope...'

I Peter 1:3 NIV


'I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you...'

Ezekiel 36:26 NIV


'The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.'

Psalm 126:3 NIV


'The Lord will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.'

Isaiah 60:`4 NIV


'Sing to the LORD a NEW song; sing to the LORD, all the earth,'

Psalm 96:1-2 NIV


'Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above...'

James 1:17 KJV


'Seek the Lord and His strength.

Seek His face continually.'

I Chronicles 16:11 KJV

Rising Up

I had a spiritual breakthrough in the end of November and since then the words "rise up" keeping running through my mind. I've been spending a lot time contemplating what that means. I don't know that I've come to a full understanding of it yet but I do believe I'm getting there.

Part of that has been having to say goodbye to a place that has been home to me on the internetz for about 5 years. It was not a decision that I came to lightly and I've come to realize it was long overdue. It has been a place where friendships have been found and lost, tears have been shed, joy, sadness, frustration, heartbreak, love, respect and wisdom has been shared. I've been ministered to and been called to minister. I was even once a "moderator". I leave there with many warm memories and the knowledge that true friendships formed will remain to be. My season has passed, I must be obedient and move on to continue to grow in my journey to be all I can be. It's hard to say goodbye but I feel confident that this is the right choice and that it is a pivotal part of the next phase of my journey.

Arise, Shine; for your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. Isaiah 60:1

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Oh Lord It's Hard to Be Humble...

...... when you're perfect in every way. Or at least according to the old Mac Davis song it is.



heh. Yesterday I was accused of being 'perfect' which is laughable to me. I've lived a life filled with disappointing people. They had expectations and some perfect idea of who I should be, how I should act and what I should do with my life. I simply never measured up. I've spent most of my life fighting to be rid of the demands of perfection. To let go of the ideal that I had to act in such a way, keep my house in perfect order, dress to impress and bury how I felt in order to show the world a perfect facade. I loathe the word perfect because of my history.

So I asked why I was 'perfect' and was told that I have such wisdom to offer others, that I have the perfect marriage and that everything is always going my way. meh. Wouldn't that be something if that was in fact true.

I have wisdom to offer... sometimes I do but I hardly know all the answers. I've been blessed with the gift of discernment and the ability to see things that others don't necessarily see. I am an encourager by nature or gifts of the Spirit, call it what you may but it's a part of who I am. I do not always have that same ability when it comes to my own stuff and I can get buried in the stuff like anyone else. Sure I know what I should be doing to push through but that doesn't mean that I'm always able to do that. I struggle with life like anyone else.

My marriage is perfect. I won't lie, I am blessed in my marriage but it wasn't always this way. The Hero and I have walked through a lot of crap to get to where we are. Marriage is hard work, every, single day. Does the Hero drive me nuts some days, exasperate me, frustrate me and make me want to scream? Have you met him? heh. Of course he does, we are human (which means we are NOT perfect). However, I know that I can only control my reactions to him and I'm in charge of my actions. I chose not to hold onto hurts and let unforgiveness or disappointment take root in my heart. I chose to love, even when it's hard. I chose to edify, honor and respect. It's a choice, not always an easy one.

Everything is always going my way. HA! We have trials and storms like everyone. There are weeks when I am in pain, every, single day! There are times when I want to curl up in a ball and cry and sometimes I do just that. I yell at my kids when I shouldn't, I get hurt, I burn the cookies, I don't make my bed some days, I wish for things I don't have, I'm lonely, my Hero has to travel for work sometimes, my kids frustrate me, I feel like a failure, I have to sit in front of a blue light in the winter so I don't fall into a pit of despair, I have a hard relationship with my Mom, my MIL hates me so much that she tells people we are divorced, I miss my Gramma, I grieve the loss of a baby, I am furious with liars and injustice in my community, my country, the world. I could go on for pages and pages about all the storms, challenges and trials that life throws my way but what does that accomplish? Seriously, will whining about my troubles fix them? I don't think so. I'm careful with what I share and what I speak. I'd rather be thankful that God sees me through all these challenges and uses what was meant to tear me or us down and turns it around to be something that makes us stronger, builds our character, saves us from a greater tragedy. I trust that even when things don't look 'perfect' and it feels like the bottom will fall out any minute that God is in control. My feet are placed firmly on the Rock and He has a plan for me that is beyond my understanding and ultimately the best for my life, for our life. I chose to speak blessing into my life and not curses.

Am I perfect? Hardly. I am a sinner but through the only perfect one, Jesus, I am extended grace, mercy and love not because of what I do right but because of my willingness to confess my sins, ask for forgiveness and spend my life trying to walk in His light. I am nothing yet I am also a daughter of the Most High. I can be broken, I can make mistakes, I can be less than all those expectations yet I am still loved and precious in His eyes.

Do you know who you are?

Do you know who you are?  I'm so thankful that I've finally found myself.  It's taken nearly forty years and the road has been a rough one at times.  I finally feel secure in my self and my identity.  I am a child of the King of Kings, I am a woman, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a lover, a help meet, a other half, a mother, a friend, a warrior, an intercessor, a cry baby, a grump, a worrier, a dreamer, a teacher, a follower, a leader, a chef, a maid, a chauffeur, a CEO, a student, a gardener, a writer, a reader, a red head, a blonde, a brunette, ;), a hard worker, a procrastinator, a go- getter, a lazy lump, a list maker, a note taker, an insomniac, a sleepy head, a woman in pain, victorious, prayerful, funny, crazy, serious, sad, optimistic, loving, confident, unworthy, graceful, clumsy, inspiring, frustrating, passionate, woeful, joyful...... I am all these things and so much more.  I am thankful that I'm sure of my identity in Christ and that I am constantly growing, changing and evolving.  I'm thankful that I've finally come to terms with the lies of my past and the knowledge that I am not the words, hurts or labels that others put upon me.  I am me- good, bad and ugly.  Praising God for finally being at that place where it's ok to be who I am.

Philippians 1:6 

 ...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;

*photo taken by Kodiak July 31, 2008

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Psalm 139:14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. (NKJV)

Our bodies are such an incredible creation. As I journey on my path to healing from my torment I am continually amazed at God's creation. I had massage therapy again today and to witness how everything within me is so connected. I can see how holding tension in one area translates to pain in another, how releasing that tension can bring healing to many parts and how our thoughts play such a huge part in our health and healing. I'm blessed to have a massage therapist who is in tune with the Holy Spirit and follows that direction to give healing to my body. I'm learning so much through this process and I'm seeing great results. Praising through the pain and thanking God for the lessons along the journey.

Cardboard Testimony

This moved me to tears and made me review my own cardboard testimony. God's mercy, grace and love knows no depths and is unfailing.

Where do you run?

A short time ago someone mentioned a phrase that has stuck in my head ever since. I have the tendency to chew on things for awhile, let them roll around in my head and my heart until I determine why it's sticking with me or touching me.

I've had to deal with some personal challenges lately that have had me in out of control mode. I don't like chaos so I don't do well in this mode, it sends me into a panic. A recent challenge involved some dredging of some very painful past memories and I know I cried "Why God, why now?" It was not something I wanted to remember at all let alone relive. My first instinct when hit with this challenge was to seek comfort. I knew that I couldn't get through this in my own strength, I knew that I needed to give it to God- completely and totally. Unfortunately I chose to seek out the comfort of people. My Hero was away during this time and I felt completely alone. I ran straight to my support system and begged for prayer. That in itself is not a bad thing but it should not have been my first destination, my gut reaction was to go where I would see or audibly hear words of comfort coming back to me. The result of this action was temporary relief and being lulled into a false sense of everythings gonna be alright. I ran to my friends, I ran to strangers online, I ran to my Hero but I did not run to God and pour my heart out to Him. I did not crawl up into His lap and say I need you to help me through this, I need you to free me from this torment, I need YOU to comfort me and tell me that everythings gonna be alright. I did not let myself be still long enough to listen to what He had for me. I panicked, I was afraid and I ran in 100 different directions trying to keep it all together.

I've finally found my freedom from this nightmare from the past. It came not from my Hero, my friends or imaginary strangers... it came from my Heavenly Father who has all the answers to the trials and challenges of my life. He cares about every one of them... no matter how trivial or small. He sits there patiently waiting for me to come to Him, weeping at my unnecessary suffering at my own hand, ready to wrap His arms around me and give me what I need.So thank you for the phrase through which I found freedom and healing: Go to the THRONE and not the phone (or internet or text).

Where do you run?

In Him,

Ker

Eeyore Syndrome - Part 2

Do you live in the past? Beating yourself up over wrong choices, things that happened to you, hurts and disappointments of days gone by consuming your thought life now?? But you don't know what I've been through, you don't know my pain, you have no idea how many times I've messed up....that rationale keeps you bound up. You're right I don't know your history. What I do know is that is your past and you can chose to live in that and let it define your present and future or you can chose to do what you need to in order to have victory over that and rewrite the rest of your story.

Take inventory of your life. What things bring you joy? What things cause you stress? What can you do to relieve those stresses right now? Are there things or people that cause nothing but drama in your life? Is having them in your life keeping you from being the best person you can be, is it stealing your joy, is it making your personal relationships with those closest to you more difficult? Are those relationships worth maintaining? Some friendships are only for a season with good reason. Sometimes purging the toxins from our lives is necessary to our emotional and physical well being. Depressed and/or angry people are generally not healthy people.

We have two choices: continue to blame the world for our stress or take responsibility for own reactions and deliberately change our emotional climate. ~ Doc Childre and Howard Martin

Our lives should be full of love and laughter. Our joy should overflow. There are so many people in this world that have far less than we do and suffer greatly just to live a difficult life. We have every opportunity available to us yet we loll around in our misery and dream of the things that will make our life happier. Things don't improve your life people!! Stuff is not eternal. Loving, appreciating and spending time with your spouse, soul mate, children, family- blood related or chosen, that's eternal. Being mindful of the humanity around you and doing what you can to help those less fortunate be it food bank donations, hands on volunteering or simply seeing a need in your own circle of influence and doing what you can to fill it. Those kinds of actions, no matter how small, cause a ripple that can last longer than you. People always remember an act of love and kindness. The won't remember what kind of house you lived in or what car you drove or if your clothes had a label on them.

Too often we under estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

~ Leo Buscaglia

It's impossible for life to always be sunshine and rainbows. When life throws a cloud over the rainbow we have a choice to let it get the better of us, to crumple in defeat or to press through and come out the other side of it stronger and wiser for the experience. We can let our difficulties own us or we can own them. We can let that circumstance or event define the rest of our life, that definition depends on how we chose to handle it. I'm not saying it's not human to feel like crap, to feel hopeless and defeated, to get angry, to even desire vengence but we have the choice as to how we will deal with these feelings and how they will impact our life. Our choice not only affects us but those near and dear to us. My choice to harbor unforgiveness or be defeated will be an example I give to my children. They will learn how to deal with their own challenges by how they have seen their parents react or deal with them.

How you choose to respond each moment to the movie of life determines how you see the next frame, and the next, and eventually how you feel when the movie ends.~ Doc Childre

Need help forming a plan of action or dealing with some more specific issues... stay tuned.

Eeyore Syndrome- Part 1

I spend the first part of my morning sitting in front of a little blue light for 30 minutes. It's the magic sunshine that has made this winter one of more hope filled days than those crawl back in bed and hide under the covers til spring comes kind of days. I'm very thankful for this light and it's calming blue waves. I check my email, read my devotion, read my blogroll, peruse the news and pop into a couple of forums I visit while I bask in the blue glow. Why do I share this with you? So you know that I understand the battle of depression. I suffered from horrible post partum depression which went undiagnosed until I had a total breakdown after Turtle was born. I was on anti-depressants for many years and rode the doom and gloom train for much longer than I care to admit. I did much of this alone while the Hero was away working and trying to do whatever he could to make a better life for our family. I did it without any real life support. I was blessed to find love and support from an amazing group of inmates/imaginary friends who became the sisters of my heart. I also discovered that I suffered from SAD (seasonal depression) which is the reason for the blue light.

Through all my days of doom and gloom I was always able to pull it together and offer hope to others, to find bright spots to pull me through, to be still and know that God had not forgotten me, was not punishing me, was right there with me. I became quite the intercessor during those days. For me to lift up the needs of others helped me to find hope in my own situation, to realize that the grass isn't always greener, to seek joy despite my circumstances.

I somehow made little goals for myself and plans to get me through the bad days. I did my best to take action and not wallow in the pit of gloom that was overtaking my life at the time. I found that taking the focus off of the cards that had been dealt to me and loving on other people gave me purpose and the ability to move forward. I had to fight to get well for my children (remember I was sole caregiver for them for much of the time with the Hero gone 15+days and then home for 5), for my Hero (I'd crash into a heap of mush on those 5 days home and he was frustrated that he couldn't fix me) but mostly I had to get well for me. I was not living the life I deserved and I had to take action to get to that place. Only I could get the healing I needed because I am in control of the choices I make.

Now I have control over my illness, can recognize what sends me into the pit and takes steps to prevent it. Life is blessed. Not all my days are mountain top ones but the ones in the pit are few and far between. I usually slap myself upside the head in a big way and have a Thankful Thursday, count my blessings and take a my life doesn't suck because inventory. Through it all I've become good at recognizing people who are in pit, those that walk around with Eeyore syndrome. The cloud of doom is forever over their heads, they walk with the weight of the entire world upon them, their eyes don't sparkle and it becomes draining to be around them. They suck the joy out of every situation with their negativity and reactions to their situations. They see the green grass on the other side but they don't see all the water, fertilizer and tender care it took to grow that grass that they covet. They say things like "when such and such happens I'll have time to... or my life will have less stress.. or I'll be happy" . The truth be told they won't be happy. They won't be happy until they get to the place of being content with the now, learn to forgive themselves and let go of past mistakes and stop looking for an imaginary future of money trees, vacations, perfect children, adoring spouses, jobs they love or whatever they think is the magic pill of happiness. They will still be miserable and the cloud will still be hanging over them even if they are standing on that green grass they longed for. We can change our circumstances as much as we want but those circumstances will not change us. That change comes from within. Can you find that change within you? Don't know where to start? Stay tuned for more on Eeyore.

Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality.

~Nikos Kazantzakis

Preparing for Resurrection Sunday

It's been a busy day so far. We colored eggs this morning in preparation of our traditional "stootzing" (more on that tomorrow) on Easter Sunday morning. Then the crew set off to complete their weekend chores. I made Ina's Lemon Cakes for our dessert tomorrow. I can't wait for dessert they are so yummy. Also on the menu: ham with mango glaze, scalloped potatoes, roasted asparagus with parm petals, green beans and Art Smith's biscuits.

Tonight we are going to make Resurrection Story Cookies. I'll include the recipe in case any of you want to join us.

These cookies are made the evening before celebrating the Resurrection, and are cooked in a warm oven overnight so they will be ready on Easter morning.

You need to preheat the oven to 300 degrees (this is important--don't wait until you are half done with the recipe!)

3 egg whites
1 cup whole pecans
1 tsp. Vinegar
A pinch salt
1 cup sugar
A zipper baggie
A wooden spoon
tape
Bible

Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces.
Explain that after Jesus was arrested, He was beaten by the Roman soldiers.
Read John 19:1-3.

Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp. vinegar into mixing bowl.
Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, He was given vinegar to drink.
Read John 19:28-30.

Add egg whites to vinegar.
Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life.
Read John 10:10-11.

Sprinkle a little salt into each child's hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus' followers, and the bitterness of our own sin. Read Luke 23:27.

So far, the ingredients are not very appetizing.

Add 1cup sugar.
Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know and belong to Him.
Read Psalm 34:8 and John 3:16.

Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed.
Explain that the color white represents the purity in God's eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus.
Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3.

Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet.
Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus' body was laid.
Read Matthew 27:57-60.

Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF.
Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door.
Explain that Jesus' tomb was sealed. Read Matthew 27:65-66.

GO TO BED!
Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus' followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed. Read John 16:20 and 22.

On Resurrection morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! On the first Resurrection, Jesus' followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty. Read Matthew 28:1-9

A few comments on this post......

If you haven't made Art's biscuits you HAVE to, they are to. die. for!! The Hero said if we didn't have guests he would have been hard pressed not to eat the entire dish. I doubled the recipe for company and served them with chive butter.

Our Resurrection cookies were not hollow this morning. I keep forgetting we are no longer in the desert climate we've become so accustomed to in the south part of our province. This is a relatively new home so it is very humid from the new wood. We also awoke to fog, add the snow still on the ground and you have tons of moisture in the air. We reheated the oven, turned it off and then put the cookies back in for a bit. After a couple of hours the were more hollow and able to be enjoyed. I didn't have pecans so we subbed almonds and they were yummy but needed a harder beating with the wooden spoons. We eventually added the meat tenderizing mallet into the mix to hasten the process. Iceman saved the lesson for the morning by remembering a book on his bookshelf called "Love One Another- The Last Days of Jesus" which told the story of Jesus' sacrifice and had a picture of the empty tomb in it. He did a great job starting off the reading of that story but turned it over to Kodiak when he became a bit overwhelmed by the size of the paragraphs.

He Chose the Nails

Not a pretty sight is it? Yet with this picture of pain, torture, brutality comes love, mercy and grace. Take a moment and reflect on what Jesus did for us. There is a great devotion at He Chose the Nails, it takes almost 10 minutes but it is worth the time in reflection.

For I am crucified with Christ and yet I live

Not I but Christ that lives within me

His Cross will never ask for more than I can give

For its not my strength but His

There's no greater sacrifice

For I am crucified with Christ and yet I live

~chorus from Crucified with Christ, Phillips, Craig & Dean

Light Bulb Moments

I've been on a tumultuous journey the past several years in regards to my faith. My belief in God is solid. My relationship with Him is consistent despite those ebbs and flows that come with life. However, my adventures with church have been less than satisfying.

We've done a ton of "church shopping" as a result of our many moves over the years. It has been a long while since we have found a place of worship that we felt connected in. There are so many ideas of what "church" should be and so many rules about what makes one a good "christian". It is really hard to find a place of love, fellowship and worship. I know that is such a sad statement but unfortunately it is very true. I could go on with a long list of the negative things we have found in our search for a church home but I don't see how that would be productive to me or anyone reading this. We've taken a break of almost a year from this frustrating experience. Lately I've been feeling much guilt and condemnation about our lack of church attendance. Along with those feelings comes the dread of beginning that search again. It's exhausting, it's frustrating and it can be damaging to one's walk with God.

God works in amazing ways and gives you exactly what you need precisely when you are ready to receive it. This came to me in a profound post on Faith is Messy, a blog I recently added to my reader. Laura really gets it. She spoke to my heart in ways that I cannot begin to express. I'm so thankful that I found her blog and for the way that this particular post has ministered to me. Thank you Laura. I look forward to following your journey as I continue on mine.

Image by Free-StockPhotos.com

Breathe

I know 5 incredible women and I am humbled to be a part of this group of 6. They are funny, intelligent, loving, giving, insightful, creative, gorgeous, real, sassy and so many other things. They make me laugh, cry, feel loved and challenge me. I am incredibly thankful for them and know my life would be less full without their presence in it. One of the ladies had a wonderful word of wisdom one day ~ "Breathe". To remind us of that another gave us all lovely bracelets with that word inscribed upon it. Mine arrived yesterday with such perfect timing for what I've been dealing with.

It is upon my wrist and when I look at it it reminds me:

• to just breathe
• that I have friends that care for me deeply and though I cannot see them daily they are always in my corner and they really *know* me
• of one of my favorite praise songs Breathe
• of Psalm 150:6 Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.
• to center myself to focus on that which is within me
• that when things seem out of control, when I seem out of control all I need to do is breathe
• to be thankful for every breath that is given me and those that I love

“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.” ~ Unknown