Thankful Thursday!!

Today is a day to celebrate because it is the birthday of one of my favorite people! She is an amazing woman with talents and gifts too numerous to list. She constantly astounds me with her craftiness and creativity. I've had the great pleasure of meeting her outside of cyberworld and she is so beautiful inside and out! Her family is a testimony to her "awesomeness" (stealing Iceman's word). I know that I do not tell her often enough just how much she means to me. She has helped carry me through some difficult times with her wisdom and she has given me hours of laughter with her wonderful sense of humor. So Happy Birthday dear friend! I am so blessed to have you in my life! Do something special for yourself! We will celebrate today with cupcakes in your honor!

How do I Honor you?

Tears are flowing freely in cyberspace and people are sharing who you were to them. There are declarations and plans to do something about this awful disease... some will follow through but many more will forget about it or make excuses when the time comes to walk or run, shave their head or gather pledges. The cards will be sent, the pink ribbons will fade, the avatars will disappear and the emotions of today will be forgotten by so many in the imaginary world that was so blessed by your presence.

How do I honor you? How do I make all that I learned from our friendship something that is everlasting?

• I hold dear to those that I love. I hug them, I fight for them, I give them all of me. They stay my first priority.
• I stand strong in my faith no matter what storm comes into my life. I gird myself with the promises that God has given us in His word so that I may stand firm and be a warrior like you.
• I pray without ceasing and with great faith. I accept the answers to my prayers as His best for my life even when I don't understand them.
• I look for the sunshine in each and every day. I fight hard to find joy in the midst of my darkest days.
• I do not wallow in the trivial things of life. I make a choice to find answers and comfort in Him rather than pin my hopes on the things and people of this world.
  
• I recognize that my journey is not my neighbors journey. I rejoice in the blessings of others and I do not mourn what I do not have. I find the value in my own blessings and show gratitude for every moment I have been given.
• I cherish those that touch my life but I do not let their worries overtake me.
• Even in my weakest moments I can show strength and grace, often unknown to me but it comes through because it is part of my character. You did this dear friend even when you were convinced that your whole world was unraveling around you and you could not overcome the fear that gripped your heart. When your head was telling you one thing, your heart was showing you as the warrior you were.
  
• You said you wanted to show others God through this and you did that my friend by just being who you were. I pray that I can show others God through my life too.
• I keep your dear husband and precious children close in heart and always in prayer.
• God's voice thunders in marvelous ways;He does great things beyond our understanding. Job 37:5 This verse will be written upon my heart as one that you held tight to in battle.

I pray that I can walk my journey carrying all the wonderful things that came from our friendship. I pray that I will honor your beautiful life and the pieces that you gave to me by walking out all the things you poured into me. I am thankful that we will meet again one day.

Goodbye my Sweet Friend

I lost a friend today. I was never able to hug her or hold her hand, I've only seen pictures of her beautiful face and rarely heard her voice. We met years ago thanks to the internetz. Our love of God and being parents were the common threads that brought us to our meeting place. Our hearts were drawn to each other through circumstances of life... trials I had walked through that were similar to things she was experiencing in her own life and then things we walked through together. We laughed and cried together in our virtual world. We prayed for each other, encouraged one another, learned from one another. As much as the many miles seperated us she was an important part of my life.

Last spring she heard those horrible words "breast cancer" and my heart broke in a million peices that she would have to walk that road. ReNee was such a valiant fighter through it and late last year we were sure that she had the victory over it. But cancer had another plan and invaded other parts of her body in the last weeks of 2008. It was hard to read how it drained her of her strength. It was a call to battle for so many that loved her and we went to our knees petitioning God for her miracle. We saw victory in small gains and we knew she was fighting despite her weakened state. We had hope that this battle would be won in our way, that she would be healed and have an amazing testimony to share. But our ways are not His and He decided to take her home this morning. It's hard to process a loss like this. It's hard to understand why such a woman of faith, such a fighter, a mother of young children, a wife of a good man, and a dear, sweet friend would have to leave us.

She taught me so much through her strength and faith in the midst of her battle. She was a warrior and her grace in the face of this monster was so inspiring to me. From her I gained a whole new perspective on my own torment. I was spurred to fight for my healing rather than lay down and accept the diagnosis I had been given. I stopped mourning what once was and chose to create the best life I could out of the here and now. I chose to shed some bad habits, stop picking up the problems of the world that sent me spiralling into a pit of despair and made my heart and body sick, to value the important things and be free of the time wasters, to lose the drama, to love more purely, to hold onto my treasures more tightly, to do the work..... and so much more. ReNee's battle with this awful cancer changed my life for the better. I hate that she had to suffer one moment of pain. I hate that she ever had this diagnosis. I hate that her family is left hurting so deeply right now. I hate that she is gone from this earth too soon. In the midst of all that I hate about this disease, what it did to her and the hole that is left by her death I am so thankful that she was brought into my life and that she was my friend.

My heart hurts, my tears are many..... I will miss you dear friend.

John 14 1"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4You know the way to the place where I am going."

With a Heavy Heart....

I've not been able to muster up a blog post that doesn't seem pointless or trivial. I was working on a word for 2009 but that isn't coming to pass. I've had a setback in my torment and after such an energetic and relatively pain free December it has hit me hard. I'm impatient and frustrated and was totally feeling sorry for myself.

Was.... until I received news that a dear friend who we thought had won the victory in her battle with breast cancer is now fighting for her life with cancer spread to her bone marrow. I'm devastated at this news and was struggling to remain hopeful so that I can pray for her miracle. I thought I came up to the other side from devastation to hope but today after reading her DH's report it totally crushed my spirit. They have resigned themselves to the fact that this will take her life and are hoping for the chemo to prolong it for awhile. It was as if the hope was sucked out of my sails this morning and I've been struggling all day with the weight of this news.

I am not walking in their shoes and I cannot begin to imagine the rollercoaster of emotions this news has brought upon this dear family. I am completely useless to them in a practical way because they live in another country. All I can do is pray for her healing to come in God's timing and in His way. I must pray for her family and all those that love her, for their hearts to be prepared for what may be. I struggle between thinking that hope is lost and believing that she will be one that recieves a miracle. That this horrible journey will be a testimony for His Glory.

I can also honor what my friendship with this dear woman has done for me by not being frustrated with my own "torment" (seems like such a dramatic word to use for what I deal with compared to something that could take her life). I can have courage to push through the rough days, to make use of the sleepless nights in some constructive way, to hold tight to my blessed life and not sweat the small stuff. I can honor all that she has taught me by her remarkable strength and warrior spirit by living my life the best way I can.

I love you dear friend and I am believing that you will get your miracle. May your time with your family be of great blessing and somehow full of joy in the midst of this horrible trial.

A Rare Gift

It is a gift to find a friendship where someone truly knows your heart. It's a gift to find someone who will hear you tell them hard stuff and see that it is coming from a place of love. For them to accept that you care enough about them to take a risk and speak the tough stuff. I'm very thankful to have that gift in my life. It's been a long time since I've felt this safe in a friendship.... a long time since I've been able to trust like this. I am blessed and so very thankful for this rare gift.

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away. ~George Eliot

Let the Good Times Roll...

It's been a very long time since we had such a fun weekend. In the midst of some emotional and challenging circumstances we were so very blessed to be distracted by the company of new friends not once but twice this weekend. Friday we went out for dinner (thanks again guys it was such fun) and then to a birthday party where we laughed so hard that my sides hurt the next day. Then last night we finally hooked up with a family who has boys the same age as our younger two. They moved to town the same time as we did but sadly with the busyness that is life all our well meaning intentions to get together had failed until now. The conversation was easy, we had a great dinner, lots of laughs, a fire and even fireworks.

It was just what we needed to keep our spirits up in the midst of the drama of Hazzard County and Cruella. I hope this is the beginning of more good times. We may finally put down some roots and it is good to have some friends to share the ups and downs of life with.

Eeyore Syndrome - Part 2

Do you live in the past? Beating yourself up over wrong choices, things that happened to you, hurts and disappointments of days gone by consuming your thought life now?? But you don't know what I've been through, you don't know my pain, you have no idea how many times I've messed up....that rationale keeps you bound up. You're right I don't know your history. What I do know is that is your past and you can chose to live in that and let it define your present and future or you can chose to do what you need to in order to have victory over that and rewrite the rest of your story.

Take inventory of your life. What things bring you joy? What things cause you stress? What can you do to relieve those stresses right now? Are there things or people that cause nothing but drama in your life? Is having them in your life keeping you from being the best person you can be, is it stealing your joy, is it making your personal relationships with those closest to you more difficult? Are those relationships worth maintaining? Some friendships are only for a season with good reason. Sometimes purging the toxins from our lives is necessary to our emotional and physical well being. Depressed and/or angry people are generally not healthy people.

We have two choices: continue to blame the world for our stress or take responsibility for own reactions and deliberately change our emotional climate. ~ Doc Childre and Howard Martin

Our lives should be full of love and laughter. Our joy should overflow. There are so many people in this world that have far less than we do and suffer greatly just to live a difficult life. We have every opportunity available to us yet we loll around in our misery and dream of the things that will make our life happier. Things don't improve your life people!! Stuff is not eternal. Loving, appreciating and spending time with your spouse, soul mate, children, family- blood related or chosen, that's eternal. Being mindful of the humanity around you and doing what you can to help those less fortunate be it food bank donations, hands on volunteering or simply seeing a need in your own circle of influence and doing what you can to fill it. Those kinds of actions, no matter how small, cause a ripple that can last longer than you. People always remember an act of love and kindness. The won't remember what kind of house you lived in or what car you drove or if your clothes had a label on them.

Too often we under estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

~ Leo Buscaglia

It's impossible for life to always be sunshine and rainbows. When life throws a cloud over the rainbow we have a choice to let it get the better of us, to crumple in defeat or to press through and come out the other side of it stronger and wiser for the experience. We can let our difficulties own us or we can own them. We can let that circumstance or event define the rest of our life, that definition depends on how we chose to handle it. I'm not saying it's not human to feel like crap, to feel hopeless and defeated, to get angry, to even desire vengence but we have the choice as to how we will deal with these feelings and how they will impact our life. Our choice not only affects us but those near and dear to us. My choice to harbor unforgiveness or be defeated will be an example I give to my children. They will learn how to deal with their own challenges by how they have seen their parents react or deal with them.

How you choose to respond each moment to the movie of life determines how you see the next frame, and the next, and eventually how you feel when the movie ends.~ Doc Childre

Need help forming a plan of action or dealing with some more specific issues... stay tuned.

Eeyore Syndrome- Part 1

I spend the first part of my morning sitting in front of a little blue light for 30 minutes. It's the magic sunshine that has made this winter one of more hope filled days than those crawl back in bed and hide under the covers til spring comes kind of days. I'm very thankful for this light and it's calming blue waves. I check my email, read my devotion, read my blogroll, peruse the news and pop into a couple of forums I visit while I bask in the blue glow. Why do I share this with you? So you know that I understand the battle of depression. I suffered from horrible post partum depression which went undiagnosed until I had a total breakdown after Turtle was born. I was on anti-depressants for many years and rode the doom and gloom train for much longer than I care to admit. I did much of this alone while the Hero was away working and trying to do whatever he could to make a better life for our family. I did it without any real life support. I was blessed to find love and support from an amazing group of inmates/imaginary friends who became the sisters of my heart. I also discovered that I suffered from SAD (seasonal depression) which is the reason for the blue light.

Through all my days of doom and gloom I was always able to pull it together and offer hope to others, to find bright spots to pull me through, to be still and know that God had not forgotten me, was not punishing me, was right there with me. I became quite the intercessor during those days. For me to lift up the needs of others helped me to find hope in my own situation, to realize that the grass isn't always greener, to seek joy despite my circumstances.

I somehow made little goals for myself and plans to get me through the bad days. I did my best to take action and not wallow in the pit of gloom that was overtaking my life at the time. I found that taking the focus off of the cards that had been dealt to me and loving on other people gave me purpose and the ability to move forward. I had to fight to get well for my children (remember I was sole caregiver for them for much of the time with the Hero gone 15+days and then home for 5), for my Hero (I'd crash into a heap of mush on those 5 days home and he was frustrated that he couldn't fix me) but mostly I had to get well for me. I was not living the life I deserved and I had to take action to get to that place. Only I could get the healing I needed because I am in control of the choices I make.

Now I have control over my illness, can recognize what sends me into the pit and takes steps to prevent it. Life is blessed. Not all my days are mountain top ones but the ones in the pit are few and far between. I usually slap myself upside the head in a big way and have a Thankful Thursday, count my blessings and take a my life doesn't suck because inventory. Through it all I've become good at recognizing people who are in pit, those that walk around with Eeyore syndrome. The cloud of doom is forever over their heads, they walk with the weight of the entire world upon them, their eyes don't sparkle and it becomes draining to be around them. They suck the joy out of every situation with their negativity and reactions to their situations. They see the green grass on the other side but they don't see all the water, fertilizer and tender care it took to grow that grass that they covet. They say things like "when such and such happens I'll have time to... or my life will have less stress.. or I'll be happy" . The truth be told they won't be happy. They won't be happy until they get to the place of being content with the now, learn to forgive themselves and let go of past mistakes and stop looking for an imaginary future of money trees, vacations, perfect children, adoring spouses, jobs they love or whatever they think is the magic pill of happiness. They will still be miserable and the cloud will still be hanging over them even if they are standing on that green grass they longed for. We can change our circumstances as much as we want but those circumstances will not change us. That change comes from within. Can you find that change within you? Don't know where to start? Stay tuned for more on Eeyore.

Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality.

~Nikos Kazantzakis

Breathe

I know 5 incredible women and I am humbled to be a part of this group of 6. They are funny, intelligent, loving, giving, insightful, creative, gorgeous, real, sassy and so many other things. They make me laugh, cry, feel loved and challenge me. I am incredibly thankful for them and know my life would be less full without their presence in it. One of the ladies had a wonderful word of wisdom one day ~ "Breathe". To remind us of that another gave us all lovely bracelets with that word inscribed upon it. Mine arrived yesterday with such perfect timing for what I've been dealing with.

It is upon my wrist and when I look at it it reminds me:

• to just breathe
• that I have friends that care for me deeply and though I cannot see them daily they are always in my corner and they really *know* me
• of one of my favorite praise songs Breathe
• of Psalm 150:6 Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.
• to center myself to focus on that which is within me
• that when things seem out of control, when I seem out of control all I need to do is breathe
• to be thankful for every breath that is given me and those that I love

“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.” ~ Unknown

Life Lessons

dis·cern·ment (dĭ-sûrn'mənt, -zûrn'-) n.
The act or process of exhibiting keen insight and good judgment.
Keenness of insight and judgment.

trust (trŭst) n.
Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
Custody; care.
Something committed into the care of another; charge.

so·ci·o·path /ˈsoʊsiəˌpæθ, ˈsoʊʃi-/
–noun Psychiatry.
a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience.

Thanks for the vocabulary lesson right? lol I'm thankful that my discernment has made me cautious to trust people and saved me and my children from being directly affected by the behaviors of a sociopath. Thankfully the Hero also listens to my discernment and has kept this loon out of his "circle of trust". I'm sad for the damage he has inflicted upon his family and others but very thankful that he has always been kept at arms length from ours.

However, this has made me take a step back and re-evaluate relationships. I was just starting to feel like it was ok to take that leap and trust, to be able to lean on others a bit and to let people into our lives. I'm trying not to retreat all the way back behind the stone wall but I'm finding it a bit of a personal struggle. My family has been hurt enough by the acts of others, including our own set of nutjobs that are related by blood. I think we will keep the moat and only let the drawbridge down with much caution. Call me Momma Lion, crazy paranoid or whatever you may....

Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us. ~ Stephen Covey

A Christmas Gift

I received an early Christmas gift this year. This is not something that I can call my own but it is truly the best present I have received in a very long while. My very dear friend who lives an ocean away received the gift of a daughter. This is the answer to many years of faithful prayer. This is a reminder that God hears those prayers and answers them in His own perfect timing. Thanks to the courage of a young woman my dear friend and her husband have a daughter to call their own. I'm overcome with joy for them and my heart is filled with praise.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.