Thankful Thursday!!

So extremely grateful for a medical doctor that listens to their patients, is not rushed by a waiting room of people and is willing to do what she can to get a proper assessment of Iceman's learning challenges. She was very puzzled by the arrogant school board jackers test recommendations. She is not one to slap a label on a child and agrees that medication is not the solution to everything. I feel so extremely blessed to have her as my own doctor and for my children. This is such a HUGE relief to me. I have been falling deeper and deeper into that pit of feeling like I've failed my child somehow because of some egghead's jackery. I feel, for the first time in a long while, that we will get to the bottom of Iceman's difficulties and will finally be able to help him reach his full potential.

Kodiak is turning into a bear

We've had temps from 9 - 15 Celsius this week which means that Kodiak has been in shorts all week. His legs will rarely see pants until about October. It would appear that over the winter his hormones have kicked in big time covering his legs with manly man hair instead of the boyish fuzz that used to be there. About a month ago he had to shave his upper lip for the first time too. It looks due for another pass of the razor. A month between shaves is probably not too serious but it's all too much for this Momma. My first born is seriously morphing from boy to man. I'm SO not ready for this.

Laryngitis??

Do you ever feel like you've lost your voice? Not in the my throat is sore kind of way but in the I can't make myself heard, no one cares what I have to say kind of way?

Struggling through this thing called fibromyalgia has not been an easy road for me. With it comes feelings of failure, guilt and often hopelessness. I can't seem to resign myself to this new path of being nearly crippled, often of less than sound mind with a head full of muddled thoughts, lapses in memory, fighting through a cloud of nonsense, frustration with wanting to do things but knowing that the cost is often to high to push through and get it done. I'm a doer, a servant by heart and when I'm unable to do for others I feel utterly useless. I feel like most people just think I'm lazy or a hypochondriac or someone who is not worth the effort of knowing. I've let relationships fall aside because I feel like I have nothing to offer, that these people are better off without this version of me or I simply can no longer handle the drama or stress that can come from trying to maintain certain relationships. Drama gives me stress, stress makes me physically sick which makes me useless to my family which then fills me with despair about my inability to overcome this thing.

Being incapable of doing all that I used to do for people makes me less relevant in their lives. I don't know how to define myself without being able to be the encourager, the helper, the intercessor, the one who holds others up. I've never been one who is good at putting themselves first. I'm a great martyr and have spent my life sacrificing many of my dreams, wants and needs for the good of others. Now if I don't focus on what my body needs first than I have even less to give to my family. If I don't take "me" into consideration than I have nothing for them. There is no amount of pushing myself that can get it done.

I really don't know where to find my voice again. How to be me without the doing?

Ker - works = no value

I am sure of a few things - my salvation, the love of my husband and most of the time the love of my children. That should be enough but it isn't. I miss being heard, I miss being valued and needed, I miss feeling like I was making a difference in my world. I wish I knew how to find my new voice.

No need to comment. I can't figure out how to close the comments on this post or I would do that.

This is why I don't craft

ouch.. that hurt to type... I burned the finger tip of the middle finger on my left hand with the glue gun. It was my second attempt to create a spring wreath for my front door. The only money I spent towards it was to buy a $2 grapevine wreath. I wanted to do the rest from materials I had on hand. It's not perfect but it is ok and I won't feel bad if the wind beats the heck out of it on the front door. I needed something cheerful to remind me that spring will come eventually. Now if I can only remember to use my nail tip to type eeeeeeeees instead of my finger. ;) LOL I really wish I was talented in the craft department but it seems to be a gift I missed out on. Don't ask for pictures... you really don't want to see how pathetic I really am.

Suck it up Buttercup

If you read my other blog you will know that I've been having a rough time of it with my fibro. I've been in a flare since Sunday and prior to that I was not feeling much better. This week I had a few appointments so I was in the neighboring city and decided to do something I never thought I'd have to do. I picked up a prepared meal from a new business that was en route to one of my appointments. I thought it was worth a shot to try to feed my family something healthy and "homemade" which didn't require much effort on my part. It turned out to be a tasty meal. I think when I'm feeling better that I will suck it up and go to My Sister's Kitchen to make some meals for the freezer. I have to throw the Martha thing out the window and just do what I can to get through the rough patches. It's better than feeding my family KD or perogies every time I feel awful, right?

Taking a break from the Hutch

Not feeling well. Can't write coherently. Only the Sultan Flokenes people will miss me. heh
See you when I find my brain again.

Love is Patient...

1 Corinthians 13
Love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I saw this in a local store and knew it was something I needed to have for our home. Sure it's an unusual bit of wall decor but it is also a constant reminder of what we need to walk out in our lives. My Hero surprised me with it for Christmas and I just love it! (I need some help with how to decorate the sofa table underneath it with but that's another post).

I've had a rough week- emotionally, spiritually and physically. I don't know if it's the shock of the loss of my friend, my grief for her children and husband or the cold weather or a combination of it all but I've been in really bad shape this week. Insomnia, lots of pain and an unsettled heart. Through it all the Hero has been very busy with work which has included meetings every night this week. I miss him and I count on him so much when my body is failing me. I am thankful for his understanding when I get like this. He truly shows me patience and unfailing love. I appreciate him so very much and my love for him grows daily.

With the absence of my Hero I've had much time for reflection and to seek HIM. It is truly something I have been trying to focus on more often. I've learned that in order for me to be healed that my body needs to be whole and that goes so far beyond the physical (funny how the lessons of a TCM doctor and acupuncturist can draw me closer to God, He truly can work in the most mysterious of ways). He has really been speaking to my heart and showing me some things I need to deal with that I thought were long over with. I don't know that I'm prepared to share it here at the moment but maybe when I'm more settled with these revelations in my own spirit.

How do I Honor you?

Tears are flowing freely in cyberspace and people are sharing who you were to them. There are declarations and plans to do something about this awful disease... some will follow through but many more will forget about it or make excuses when the time comes to walk or run, shave their head or gather pledges. The cards will be sent, the pink ribbons will fade, the avatars will disappear and the emotions of today will be forgotten by so many in the imaginary world that was so blessed by your presence.

How do I honor you? How do I make all that I learned from our friendship something that is everlasting?

• I hold dear to those that I love. I hug them, I fight for them, I give them all of me. They stay my first priority.
• I stand strong in my faith no matter what storm comes into my life. I gird myself with the promises that God has given us in His word so that I may stand firm and be a warrior like you.
• I pray without ceasing and with great faith. I accept the answers to my prayers as His best for my life even when I don't understand them.
• I look for the sunshine in each and every day. I fight hard to find joy in the midst of my darkest days.
• I do not wallow in the trivial things of life. I make a choice to find answers and comfort in Him rather than pin my hopes on the things and people of this world.
  
• I recognize that my journey is not my neighbors journey. I rejoice in the blessings of others and I do not mourn what I do not have. I find the value in my own blessings and show gratitude for every moment I have been given.
• I cherish those that touch my life but I do not let their worries overtake me.
• Even in my weakest moments I can show strength and grace, often unknown to me but it comes through because it is part of my character. You did this dear friend even when you were convinced that your whole world was unraveling around you and you could not overcome the fear that gripped your heart. When your head was telling you one thing, your heart was showing you as the warrior you were.
  
• You said you wanted to show others God through this and you did that my friend by just being who you were. I pray that I can show others God through my life too.
• I keep your dear husband and precious children close in heart and always in prayer.
• God's voice thunders in marvelous ways;He does great things beyond our understanding. Job 37:5 This verse will be written upon my heart as one that you held tight to in battle.

I pray that I can walk my journey carrying all the wonderful things that came from our friendship. I pray that I will honor your beautiful life and the pieces that you gave to me by walking out all the things you poured into me. I am thankful that we will meet again one day.

Goodbye my Sweet Friend

I lost a friend today. I was never able to hug her or hold her hand, I've only seen pictures of her beautiful face and rarely heard her voice. We met years ago thanks to the internetz. Our love of God and being parents were the common threads that brought us to our meeting place. Our hearts were drawn to each other through circumstances of life... trials I had walked through that were similar to things she was experiencing in her own life and then things we walked through together. We laughed and cried together in our virtual world. We prayed for each other, encouraged one another, learned from one another. As much as the many miles seperated us she was an important part of my life.

Last spring she heard those horrible words "breast cancer" and my heart broke in a million peices that she would have to walk that road. ReNee was such a valiant fighter through it and late last year we were sure that she had the victory over it. But cancer had another plan and invaded other parts of her body in the last weeks of 2008. It was hard to read how it drained her of her strength. It was a call to battle for so many that loved her and we went to our knees petitioning God for her miracle. We saw victory in small gains and we knew she was fighting despite her weakened state. We had hope that this battle would be won in our way, that she would be healed and have an amazing testimony to share. But our ways are not His and He decided to take her home this morning. It's hard to process a loss like this. It's hard to understand why such a woman of faith, such a fighter, a mother of young children, a wife of a good man, and a dear, sweet friend would have to leave us.

She taught me so much through her strength and faith in the midst of her battle. She was a warrior and her grace in the face of this monster was so inspiring to me. From her I gained a whole new perspective on my own torment. I was spurred to fight for my healing rather than lay down and accept the diagnosis I had been given. I stopped mourning what once was and chose to create the best life I could out of the here and now. I chose to shed some bad habits, stop picking up the problems of the world that sent me spiralling into a pit of despair and made my heart and body sick, to value the important things and be free of the time wasters, to lose the drama, to love more purely, to hold onto my treasures more tightly, to do the work..... and so much more. ReNee's battle with this awful cancer changed my life for the better. I hate that she had to suffer one moment of pain. I hate that she ever had this diagnosis. I hate that her family is left hurting so deeply right now. I hate that she is gone from this earth too soon. In the midst of all that I hate about this disease, what it did to her and the hole that is left by her death I am so thankful that she was brought into my life and that she was my friend.

My heart hurts, my tears are many..... I will miss you dear friend.

John 14 1"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4You know the way to the place where I am going."

Where did the week go?

It ran away from me.... again.... this seems to happen a lot! The Hero was really busy this week with some major meetings which turned out to be awesome! I'm so proud of him! He works so hard and deserves every bit of recognition, success and respect that he is getting from his industry.

La Diva is trying out for air band again so she and her girls were practicing. Turtle was home yesterday with a slight fever and an awful cough. He's still hacking but feels great so I sent him to school. He's good about coughing into his elbow and if my healthy kid got sick it's likely because his whole class has been passing it around anyway. I had my nail appointment this week which is always a fun visit with my hard working friend. Add in normal chores, feeling a bit sluggish, school meetings and PTA responsibilities and the week is gone.

I'm taking the weekend off and will try to come up with some more interesting blog posts for next week. Have a great weekend everyone!

Thankful Thursday!!

1. My massage therapist... she is an angel and ministers to not only my body but to my spirit. I'm so blessed that God led me to her.

2. Today I'm wearing my 4th pair of jeans in a week that I can pull down without unzipping or un buttoning. That means they are too big!!! That means I'm shrinking again!! Woot!!! It also means I need to wear a belt all the time but that will do until I go shopping for some new clothes. I had bought some fleece lined jeans and thought it was a fluke that I fit in them. You see they were from a regular store not a fat broad store and are a regular size... not a size with a W (that's for Wideload in my head, seriously could they come up with anything less obvious???) after it! Feeling a little proud of myself and doing a happy dance.

Rising Up

I had a spiritual breakthrough in the end of November and since then the words "rise up" keeping running through my mind. I've been spending a lot time contemplating what that means. I don't know that I've come to a full understanding of it yet but I do believe I'm getting there.

Part of that has been having to say goodbye to a place that has been home to me on the internetz for about 5 years. It was not a decision that I came to lightly and I've come to realize it was long overdue. It has been a place where friendships have been found and lost, tears have been shed, joy, sadness, frustration, heartbreak, love, respect and wisdom has been shared. I've been ministered to and been called to minister. I was even once a "moderator". I leave there with many warm memories and the knowledge that true friendships formed will remain to be. My season has passed, I must be obedient and move on to continue to grow in my journey to be all I can be. It's hard to say goodbye but I feel confident that this is the right choice and that it is a pivotal part of the next phase of my journey.

Arise, Shine; for your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. Isaiah 60:1

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Know it all "fans" ??

We went to the Oiler's game last night. The Hero was given tickets as a thank you for a job well done from one of his colleagues. We took La Diva and Iceman as neither of them have been to a game this season. Iceman is a die hard Flames fan and was set to deck out in Flames gear, however they were playing the Predators not the Flames. We convinced him to borrow one of Kodiak's old jerseys, he then chose to go all out with a hat and tatooed his face with Oilers logos. He looked the part of a die hard fan. He was excited to be going and said he'd do his best to cheer on our favorite team. (by the end of the night he decided that Oilers were his second favorite team in the league... his BFF Jarome Iginala ;) will be crushed)

We dropped Turtle off for his sleepover, went to Red Robin for dinner and then headed to the game. We found close parking which was a bonus because I hate that usual 100 mile trek across the tundra to get to Rexall. Iceman was totally enthralled with the pre-game action. He thought it was especially cool that he could see the players that autographed Turtle's hat and one for his Auntie on the ice. He really got caught up in the whole night and it was awesome to see his face and watch him jump up with fists in air when they scored. The only damper on the evening were the 6 people sitting behind us. They obviously were season ticket holders and had gotten to know each other over the season or seasons. They were probably about 10+ years older than us (old enough to know better imho) and spent the entire game (non-stop yapping, even through the national anthem which had me ready to pop them in the nose from the get go) criticizing the Oilers from the coach down to every player that stepped on the ice. The bagged on them constantly and didn't stop even when a player they had been trashing scored mere seconds after the words came out of their mouths. The Oilers broke their losing streak against the Predators and I thought it was a good game, shots on goal were fairly even throughout, not a ton of power plays, even penalties for fighting for the most part, etc. These people were relentless and when they ran out of fodder for their own team they started in on young Tootoo from the Predators, the first ever kid from the NWT (aboriginal too) to ever make it to the NHL. He's a fiesty little guy and obviously fought hard just to play hockey as long as he did, let alone make it to and stay in the NHL without falling into the trap of too much money leading to a reckless lifestyle. The youth of the NWT have lower education levels and employment levels up into the early 20s are also very low. It's a challenge to stay on the straight and narrow and not fall into the trap of substance abuse and despair for many of his peers. When they commented that his playing skills must be due to all the caribou he ate I nearly came completely unglued. Next to me was a good looking young aboriginal man and his girlfriend and I was amazed and saddened when he didn't even flinch at the deragatory comments. I held my tongue because the tickets belonged to a colleague of T's and I had no idea what his relationship with those people may or may not be. Later T said I should have went for it because his friend and his wife are aboriginal as well.

I do not understand why you would chose to have season tickets to watch a team that you have not a single decent thing to say about. Why waste your money if it is so painful to watch them play? Why ruin the experience for those around you? Iceman even said afterwards that the game was awesome except he wanted to pop those people in the nose for being so rude during the whole game. What kind of life must they have when their whole source of entertainment is to ridicule and make fun of these atheletes? Sure they are overpaid for their skills and the whole professional sports industry is way out of control but you have a choice as to how much you chose to participate in furthering that industry. I wonder if they bag on the waitress or the grocery store clerk or anyone else they encounter the same way. I pray that they have never been involved in minor sports or other activities involving children. I cannot imagine the pressure people like that put on kids.

It was a great game and nice to spend some time with half the crew. We are relieved that those are not our season's tickets as I doubt that any of us could tolerate another evening with the jerk squad sitting behind us.

Spoiled Rotten

We've been busy taking it easy since Christmas. We had an awesome Christmas Eve and an enjoyable day with our extended family. The crew have been enjoying their new Wii games and we've been watching some of the family movies they got. The Hero and Kodiak ventured out on boxing day as bigfoot aka Kodiak needed new bindings for his snowboard. They ended up coming home with bindings and a new board because they got a killer deal. I had predicted that they wouldn't stop at bindings. lol The Hero is taking up boarding this year so he will use the board when he's taking his lessons during the week. Then they will have to wrestle for it when they all go boarding. heh!

After weeks of feeling awesome I've had a few days of weariness. I guess all the stress and busyness caught up to me. Oh well, I'm thankful for those good days and am no where near where I once was. I'm hoping I can hold it together until Dr. X gets back from Chicago in the new year.

I was royally spoiled by the Hero for Christmas. I'm still reeling at all the surprises that he was able to pull off. We had agreed that this year we would keep things simple and while I upheld my end of the bargain he went over the top. I feel like a Queen with all my lovely new things- from beautiful bling to my very own Macbook!!!! The Hero and I are going to take in some classes at Apple university so that I can learn all the tricks of my new toy.

We are so greatful for the many blessings that we have been given this year. The Hero's hard work and our sacrifice of his time these past few months paid off in early December with a big promotion and all that comes with it. We are not taking that blessing for granted considering the state of the economy. We are very thankful and were excited to be an even greater blessing to those who have less than we do this Christmas season. This year more than many before we were able to communicate the reason for the season to all of our children. It was awesome to watch them be more concerned about giving than getting. I hope that we can carry this spirit over through the new year with the crew and get involved in some projects throughout the year.

I'm not sure what our plans are for New Years. I think that we might fondue. We will likely stick close to home and keep it low key. We surely cherish our time together and are grateful that the Hero is essentially off work until the New Year.

Sort of a bucket list.....

Found this on my friend LeAnn's blog and thought I'd do it while I wait for my cupcakes to bake.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a Praying Mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris (not yet but will in 2010)
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France (another hope to when I'm in France)
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight 
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset 
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community (we don't have Amish where I live but I've been to a Hutterite colony)
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (money isn't where my satisfaction lays)

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (hope to in 2010)
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie (not me but the Hero has....lol.... Last of the Dogmen with Tom Berenger)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt 
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London (again, will do so in 2010)
77. Broken a bone 
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one 
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit (as a legal assistant but not as someone being sued or suing lol)
98. Owned a cell phone 
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Visited Italy

**  This is obviously a US list.  I should make a Canada one and maybe I'd be more life experienced. LOL

Fostering a sense of community....

This year our children's school has taken a different look at the holidays in their group activities. The concentration has been on having an old fashioned Christmas and focusing on the simpler things. One of the key lessons has been giving over receiving and that gifts can be as simple as a smile, a hug or doing something kind for your classmate. Instead of sending gifts for the teachers they had asked that the students make a donation to one of 2 projects- backpacks for the homeless or shoe boxes filled with stocking stuffers for someone within our own community. There was not a big concert production this year but a carol sing where families were invited to join with the students to sing carols, share memories of a favorite Christmas and have a time of fellowship with hot chocolate and cookies that had been baked by the teachers. The teachers felt that it was necessary to take the focus off of finding a fancy outfit to wear, knowing full well how much of a hardship that is for some of the families and just showing their students and our community what fun can be had by just being together. I've been involved in some fundraising activities this week that had me at the school more often than usual and around some of the parents. I overheard some complaining to a dear teacher that they were hugely disappointed that there would be no stage at this event, no opportunity to videotape their child, no reason to attend the event. *sigh* The teacher tried to explain that they were trying something new and that for some families this would be one of the few moments where they could be together doing something like this. This person went on and on about how she wouldn't waste her time and how could she expect her parents to travel from another town for this. The point of the evening was completely lost on her. It made me so sad that all she cared about was a production to tape her child at. She was well dressed, as were her children and the prospect of not having an event to shop for was probably causing her much grief as well. We attended the event and while it wasn't a packed house like it is when they have to hold 2 seperate concerts for the school it was a decent turn out. The kids were well behaved (except a few who ironically belong to people who consider themselves to be "all that") and they were really into the night. It went a little long but most things run late around here and they had some sound and video challenges. I don't know that it fostered a huge sense of community because this is a place where people stick to who they know. As members of parent council and PTA, Troy and I did our best to talk to people who seemed left out of the group. Our kids preferred it over the normal school productions. They will have assemblies this coming week with a couple of classes at a time performing for the rest of the school. I wonder how many of the video tapers will show up for that.

Today was the day they handed off their shoe boxes and backpacks to the people from Christmas Elves. I think they were proud of what they had accomplished and I hope that some of the more fortunate children learned a little bit about giving and how blessed they are. Maybe they can pass that knowledge onto their spoiled parents who want what they want.

This week also marked the kick off of the breakfast program for the school. This is a project that is near and dear to the Hero and I. We, along with some dear people, worked hard and pushed through a great deal of ridicule and adversity to pull this off. Today was the day when all that drama paid off in a huge way. Since Tuesday each of the children in the school have received some breakfast on their assigned assembly days. Today the entire school was given some healthy muffins baked especially for them by our local bakery and a milk. They learned how this program came to be and that thanks to the generosity of a local business they will continue to receive funds through the coming year to keep this program going for some time. They wanted to have breakfast for everyone at the beginning so that the stigma of it being just for those that were lacking was removed. The kids now know that if they are hungry they need to only ask their teacher and food will be provided for them. The Hero was choked up talking about the project and many of the teachers had tears freely flowing. It is a really great thing what our dear friends have pulled together and the need is only going to become greater as times get tougher for many in our community. It was a good end to a project that came with a great fight. I'm so glad that we all pushed through and saw it come to pass.

Where I disappeared to...

Catch up

I'm in an upswing healthwise and with that comes playing catch up with my neglected house and jumping back into my family's busy life.  This past weekend we rearranged our living room, which involved shopping, building furniture (same piece twice- don't ask ;)), moving furniture, repurposing old furniture and making space for that repurpose required more cleaning.  Throw in a 4 day weekend, homework, cooking for Thanksgiving and you have a busy family.  We are pleased with our new set up and enjoyed our time together despite the busyness.

My RMT is still out and I've been seeing someone else in the wellness centre- it's a bit of a co-op situation with all of them having different takes on the way they offer healing to you.  I find myself doing spiritual battle with the lady I'm seeing now and I'm not finding the same level of healing through her hands. I look forward to having my therapist with her healing touch back soon.  I've been given a referral for a naturopathic doctor who has had some success with fibro.  As soon as I can figure out the Hero's schedule I will set up an appointment.

Iceman is having some challenges at school.  I met with his teachers last week.  I am pleased that they are on top of things early on and I hope that we can find a way to make this year a successful one for him.  He has some concentration issues, gets frustrated because everything is "so hard" and well... he is Iceman.    I'm proud of myself.  While I went right to beating myself up when I first got the meeting request I didn't let that consume me and am moving forward to do what I can to help Iceman succeed in school.

Kodiak and I are heading to Europe in 2010.  He is very excited about it and I figure it will be a great opportunity for both of us. I hope he's as enthusiastic about having his Mom tag along in 2 years.  He is already asking what kind of food they have in each country, what languages he should study, where can we find info about where we are going etc.  We will be visiting London, Paris and Barcelona.

La Diva has been having some girl drama in her life.  It really frustrates me and I hate to see her have to deal with this crap already.  She is a really compassionate child (and I'm not just saying that because she is my daughter) and hates to see people treating others badly.  Unfortunately that has made her a target and it is even coming from one she had considered her BFF.  I've done what I can and even had a meeting with the mom of her BFF.  Unfortunately it did little to ease my mind but gave me insight into this girls true character.  I don't have a problem with the family at all, in fact one of Kodiak's best buds is cousin and lives with them, however, our views on rearing children differ.  She thinks they need to learn that you won't be friend with people forever and I think that they are still children and need guidance in how to treat people you call BFF.  She basically said that if BFF can't see that La Diva is a good friend than maybe she needs to let her be on her own or with others so she can realize just how good she had it with La Diva.   I just hate seeing La Diva hurt and be a doormat for this kind of junk.  I'm trying to teach her that it's ok to be upset and to tell her friends when they hurt her, that she doesn't have to hold it all in and that she can, in a respectful way, express her feelings about how she is being treated.  She is used to everyone loving her and keeping the peace with all the drama queens.  *sigh*  We aren't even in Jr. High yet.  My heart hurts that she is enduring this already.

Turtle is loving school so much.  He is beyond thrilled that a classmate moved next door.  It's been such fun to watch him blossom from this shy little barnacle to a charasmatic leader.  He loves his teacher and is learning so much.

The Hero is in full swing of his super busy season.  Next week we lose him for the majority of the week to trips.  He is doing amazing and is finally getting some recognition from his company... looks like he'll be moving up the ladder again.  I'm so very proud of him.  He's becoming a bit of a "celebrity" in the industry as well. lol

The Hero's cousin was the first guy to be eliminated from SYTYCD-Canada last week.  I felt so badly for him, he was visibly shocked. I thought he did an amazing solo.  I did have a sinking feeling he might be ousted by default because I figured they'd keep the ballroom guy and knew Blake loved Dario. I am sure that Kevin will be richer for the experience and I am confident that he has great things in his future.  You can check out his journey here.

Oh Lord It's Hard to Be Humble...

...... when you're perfect in every way. Or at least according to the old Mac Davis song it is.



heh. Yesterday I was accused of being 'perfect' which is laughable to me. I've lived a life filled with disappointing people. They had expectations and some perfect idea of who I should be, how I should act and what I should do with my life. I simply never measured up. I've spent most of my life fighting to be rid of the demands of perfection. To let go of the ideal that I had to act in such a way, keep my house in perfect order, dress to impress and bury how I felt in order to show the world a perfect facade. I loathe the word perfect because of my history.

So I asked why I was 'perfect' and was told that I have such wisdom to offer others, that I have the perfect marriage and that everything is always going my way. meh. Wouldn't that be something if that was in fact true.

I have wisdom to offer... sometimes I do but I hardly know all the answers. I've been blessed with the gift of discernment and the ability to see things that others don't necessarily see. I am an encourager by nature or gifts of the Spirit, call it what you may but it's a part of who I am. I do not always have that same ability when it comes to my own stuff and I can get buried in the stuff like anyone else. Sure I know what I should be doing to push through but that doesn't mean that I'm always able to do that. I struggle with life like anyone else.

My marriage is perfect. I won't lie, I am blessed in my marriage but it wasn't always this way. The Hero and I have walked through a lot of crap to get to where we are. Marriage is hard work, every, single day. Does the Hero drive me nuts some days, exasperate me, frustrate me and make me want to scream? Have you met him? heh. Of course he does, we are human (which means we are NOT perfect). However, I know that I can only control my reactions to him and I'm in charge of my actions. I chose not to hold onto hurts and let unforgiveness or disappointment take root in my heart. I chose to love, even when it's hard. I chose to edify, honor and respect. It's a choice, not always an easy one.

Everything is always going my way. HA! We have trials and storms like everyone. There are weeks when I am in pain, every, single day! There are times when I want to curl up in a ball and cry and sometimes I do just that. I yell at my kids when I shouldn't, I get hurt, I burn the cookies, I don't make my bed some days, I wish for things I don't have, I'm lonely, my Hero has to travel for work sometimes, my kids frustrate me, I feel like a failure, I have to sit in front of a blue light in the winter so I don't fall into a pit of despair, I have a hard relationship with my Mom, my MIL hates me so much that she tells people we are divorced, I miss my Gramma, I grieve the loss of a baby, I am furious with liars and injustice in my community, my country, the world. I could go on for pages and pages about all the storms, challenges and trials that life throws my way but what does that accomplish? Seriously, will whining about my troubles fix them? I don't think so. I'm careful with what I share and what I speak. I'd rather be thankful that God sees me through all these challenges and uses what was meant to tear me or us down and turns it around to be something that makes us stronger, builds our character, saves us from a greater tragedy. I trust that even when things don't look 'perfect' and it feels like the bottom will fall out any minute that God is in control. My feet are placed firmly on the Rock and He has a plan for me that is beyond my understanding and ultimately the best for my life, for our life. I chose to speak blessing into my life and not curses.

Am I perfect? Hardly. I am a sinner but through the only perfect one, Jesus, I am extended grace, mercy and love not because of what I do right but because of my willingness to confess my sins, ask for forgiveness and spend my life trying to walk in His light. I am nothing yet I am also a daughter of the Most High. I can be broken, I can make mistakes, I can be less than all those expectations yet I am still loved and precious in His eyes.

Where do you run?

A short time ago someone mentioned a phrase that has stuck in my head ever since. I have the tendency to chew on things for awhile, let them roll around in my head and my heart until I determine why it's sticking with me or touching me.

I've had to deal with some personal challenges lately that have had me in out of control mode. I don't like chaos so I don't do well in this mode, it sends me into a panic. A recent challenge involved some dredging of some very painful past memories and I know I cried "Why God, why now?" It was not something I wanted to remember at all let alone relive. My first instinct when hit with this challenge was to seek comfort. I knew that I couldn't get through this in my own strength, I knew that I needed to give it to God- completely and totally. Unfortunately I chose to seek out the comfort of people. My Hero was away during this time and I felt completely alone. I ran straight to my support system and begged for prayer. That in itself is not a bad thing but it should not have been my first destination, my gut reaction was to go where I would see or audibly hear words of comfort coming back to me. The result of this action was temporary relief and being lulled into a false sense of everythings gonna be alright. I ran to my friends, I ran to strangers online, I ran to my Hero but I did not run to God and pour my heart out to Him. I did not crawl up into His lap and say I need you to help me through this, I need you to free me from this torment, I need YOU to comfort me and tell me that everythings gonna be alright. I did not let myself be still long enough to listen to what He had for me. I panicked, I was afraid and I ran in 100 different directions trying to keep it all together.

I've finally found my freedom from this nightmare from the past. It came not from my Hero, my friends or imaginary strangers... it came from my Heavenly Father who has all the answers to the trials and challenges of my life. He cares about every one of them... no matter how trivial or small. He sits there patiently waiting for me to come to Him, weeping at my unnecessary suffering at my own hand, ready to wrap His arms around me and give me what I need.So thank you for the phrase through which I found freedom and healing: Go to the THRONE and not the phone (or internet or text).

Where do you run?

In Him,

Ker