Thursday, August 28, 2008

Oh Lord It's Hard to Be Humble...

...... when you're perfect in every way. Or at least according to the old Mac Davis song it is.

heh. Yesterday I was accused of being 'perfect' which is laughable to me. I've lived a life filled with disappointing people. They had expectations and some perfect idea of who I should be, how I should act and what I should do with my life. I simply never measured up. I've spent most of my life fighting to be rid of the demands of perfection. To let go of the ideal that I had to act in such a way, keep my house in perfect order, dress to impress and bury how I felt in order to show the world a perfect facade. I loathe the word perfect because of my history.

So I asked why I was 'perfect' and was told that I have such wisdom to offer others, that I have the perfect marriage and that everything is always going my way. meh. Wouldn't that be something if that was in fact true.

I have wisdom to offer... sometimes I do but I hardly know all the answers. I've been blessed with the gift of discernment and the ability to see things that others don't necessarily see. I am an encourager by nature or gifts of the Spirit, call it what you may but it's a part of who I am. I do not always have that same ability when it comes to my own stuff and I can get buried in the stuff like anyone else. Sure I know what I should be doing to push through but that doesn't mean that I'm always able to do that. I struggle with life like anyone else.

My marriage is perfect. I won't lie, I am blessed in my marriage but it wasn't always this way. The Hero and I have walked through a lot of crap to get to where we are. Marriage is hard work, every, single day. Does the Hero drive me nuts some days, exasperate me, frustrate me and make me want to scream? Have you met him? heh. Of course he does, we are human (which means we are NOT perfect). However, I know that I can only control my reactions to him and I'm in charge of my actions. I chose not to hold onto hurts and let unforgiveness or disappointment take root in my heart. I chose to love, even when it's hard. I chose to edify, honor and respect. It's a choice, not always an easy one.

Everything is always going my way. HA! We have trials and storms like everyone. There are weeks when I am in pain, every, single day! There are times when I want to curl up in a ball and cry and sometimes I do just that. I yell at my kids when I shouldn't, I get hurt, I burn the cookies, I don't make my bed some days, I wish for things I don't have, I'm lonely, my Hero has to travel for work sometimes, my kids frustrate me, I feel like a failure, I have to sit in front of a blue light in the winter so I don't fall into a pit of despair, I have a hard relationship with my Mom, my MIL hates me so much that she tells people we are divorced, I miss my Gramma, I grieve the loss of a baby, I am furious with liars and injustice in my community, my country, the world. I could go on for pages and pages about all the storms, challenges and trials that life throws my way but what does that accomplish? Seriously, will whining about my troubles fix them? I don't think so. I'm careful with what I share and what I speak. I'd rather be thankful that God sees me through all these challenges and uses what was meant to tear me or us down and turns it around to be something that makes us stronger, builds our character, saves us from a greater tragedy. I trust that even when things don't look 'perfect' and it feels like the bottom will fall out any minute that God is in control. My feet are placed firmly on the Rock and He has a plan for me that is beyond my understanding and ultimately the best for my life, for our life. I chose to speak blessing into my life and not curses.

Am I perfect? Hardly. I am a sinner but through the only perfect one, Jesus, I am extended grace, mercy and love not because of what I do right but because of my willingness to confess my sins, ask for forgiveness and spend my life trying to walk in His light. I am nothing yet I am also a daughter of the Most High. I can be broken, I can make mistakes, I can be less than all those expectations yet I am still loved and precious in His eyes.

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